Television and Stuff

You Must Have Faith - And Ignore The Why

2011-12-27T23:16:00.006-06:00

Today I attended the visitation for a remarkable 19 year old man who died recently. He was the son of a very good friend, and was a close friend of one of my sons. He was a fun loving young man who always had a smile on his face. To say I respected and cared for him would be an understatement. His death has taken me down a familiar path of thought and emotion that always ends the same way.

While growing up, my family didn't attend church on a regular basis. However, looking back, we had a very spiritual home. The Bible was the word of God, and the Golden Rule was the rule of the home. There were also the deep-rooted, fundamental beliefs, such as

We are all God's children
God loves all of us....even before we are born
Jesus was God's son, who died for all of our sins, and rose again
God works in mysterious ways
Everything happens for a reason

From my earliest memories I completely embraced my spirituality, accepting these beliefs as facts, never really questioning them. They were wonderful facts. They made me feel good. However, there were (and still are) times I struggle, especially with the last two.

As a child I would watch broadcasts of poor kids in Africa who had no food. They were starving. I can still see them in my mind, with flies clinging to their faces. How could this be??? God loves us. We are all his children. Why, God? Why???? What work is this? What is the reason? God can do anything....why won't He help them? Why?

When I asked my mom, she would say things happen that people simply cannot understand. We must try to carry God's message to them....loving our neighbors as ourselves....helping send them aid so they wouldn't starve. Use your faith to guide you. Made sense....but deep down I still wondered why.

As I got older I would see the old videos from the horrific WW II concentration camps. The unspeakably terrible things the Nazis were doing to people simply because they were Jewish. How evil one group of people could be to another. Why? Why was this allowed to happen? These people were innocent victims.....tortured and murdered. Why didn't God stop this? Why? This time, instead of asking my mom or dad, I tried to think it through using the principles and spiritual lessons I was taught. My final landing point was the same place....I must remember these horrible things, do what I can to not allow people to be vicious to other people. But the why is something I cannot understand.

When my oldest son was in first grade, one of his friends was playing little league baseball. In a freak occurrence, a foul ball struck him in the chest in such a way that it stopped his heartbeat. He was a first grader....why did he have to die? Why??? Why couldn't that foul ball have have gone a foot to his left and missed him?? WHY?

These are just examples. Every day I see things that challenge me.....

Why are fiends allowed to kidnap and kill young children?
Why are innocent people allowed to be killed by drive by shooters who seem to have no regard for any one's life?
Why are innocent populations in countries allowed to be butchered by insane rulers?

Why? Why?? Why????

Then there are some very personal and emotional experiences. My dad passed away suddenly when I was 23. My mom passed away when I was 25. My oldest sister passed away before I was 40. With each of these events, I traveled through the textbook series of emotions....

Shock - This can't be happening
Grief - I wish this wasn't happening. I wish I could talk to them one more time. I hate thinking they suffered...or were overcome with incredible fear. Why couldn't I help them?
Anger - This should not have happened. This is not right. WHY did this have to happen???
Acceptance - This is life. This cannot be changed. I must accept, remember, and live on.

I would spend many evenings in a dark living room or bedroom asking why. Why God? Why did they have to die when they did?? Was there a reason that I could understand? None of them were particularly old. My mom and sister were sick....but couldn't they get better? Why not? Why?

This brings me to the day after Christmas...just a few days ago, when I learned of this young man's death. In what seemed to be an accelerated pace, I went through the first couple of emotions (shock and grief). I have spent the majority of my time in anger.

This was a very good person who made others around him laugh and feel good. He would have been a wonderful grown man. Why should his life be ended so soon??? Why couldn't he get the same opportunity I have to live a full life? WHY?????

Later today, as I sit in the church pew during his funeral I will likely begin locking in on the acceptance of this. Doing so without the why I so desperately want.

For this is how it is. My mom's advice 40+ years ago is probably as true today as it was then. Carry on the message.....accepting that I cannot understand. I have my faith. Faith is there to replace the why....to take me to the acceptance phase without the why. Why becomes far less important when there is faith.

It's just really hard sometimes. Hard to close my eyes and let myself fall backwards, trusting that my faith will be there to catch me. But it has every time in the past. Every time.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-23T23:55:00.002-06:00

To all my friends, both near and far, Merry Christmas!!

Cooking Utensil or Torture Device

2011-10-14T00:21:00.004-05:00

To paraphrase Nixon, I am not a cook.

Looking back at my bachelor days, I think I lived over a year primarily on Hormel canned chili, the occasional Domino's pizza, and the old fashioned popcorn you used to make on the stove's burner (think big puffy aluminum foil bag). The only equipment I needed in the kitchen was a fork, both a big spoon and a little spoon, a butter knife, a bowl, and a pan to warm said chili in.

Leap many years to the current. While I still am no cook, I have expanded my skills to also include frozen bagel dogs, mac-n-cheese, and fried bologna (my all time personal fav). My wife, on the other hand, is a great cook who has invested much into some pretty cool cooking equipment. Everything from multiple sets of measuring cups, a high powered mixer, lots of spatulas, and this little son of a bitch.

I only have a vague idea what this thing is used for (at least in the kitchen).....but I hate it with a passion.

This deep rooted hatred has been generated over time by the repeated blocking of any utensil drawer I put this thing in. I can put it in with the curly crap to the back of the drawer....to the front of the drawer, curly crap down, curly crap up, across the damn drawer....it does not matter. It will ALWAYS block the drawer from opening.

The drawer can be half full, 3/4 empty, a foot deep. It does not matter.

My reaction is always the same when I try opening the drawer once my little friend here has worked his magic....

I gently close then attempt to reopen, thinking something magical happened and the utensil has, under its own power, dislodged itself
I then open as far as I can, and try wedging my hand into the drawer trying to find the blockage. This only results in the unfortunate discovery of a nasty, flat, sharp ice cream scoop that has been placed in the drawer without my knowledge.
I then attempt to violently open the drawer multiple times thinking I will man-handle the little piece of......plastic. Never works.
I then ask my wife to dislodge it, which she can usually do in about 4 seconds. She has long fingers...says it helped her be a good piano player. I really have no idea what she is talking about.

I typically go through all this torture just so I can get the bottle opener...for I have a premium bottle of beer whose cap cannot be unscrewed.

I have never seen my wife use this device, have never seen another in a store, never seen Bobby Flay use one.

My only conclusion is that this is a tool left here by the devil. Placed in my house to tempt me....lure me into using the vocabulary of a long shoreman.

Satan, you are a clever beast. No wonder Eve ate that apple.

Hmmm

2011-09-13T17:56:00.001-05:00

Heard about this stuff. May have to try a can.

Resolutions....and I mean them this year

2011-01-01T00:36:00.001-06:00

Hello 2011! I know you are young.....but I have high expectations for you already.

Looking back, I did a poor job with my list from last year. This year is going to be different.......

Drop another 15 lbs.
Be much more relaxed at home. Enjoying the company of my wife and kids more. I was way too tense in 2010.
Drink more water.
Try 5 new teas.
Do a better job helping the kids with their homework.
Attend at least 3 events my wife wants to go to that is outside my comfort zone.
Write a complete application with Ruby and Rails, using jQuery as well.
Average three days a week of exercise....of some form.
Go fishing this year
Do one home improvement project without complaining...regardless of how much I hate that stuff.
Upgrade my phone.

A Perfect Pair

2010-12-31T21:32:00.001-06:00

No, not what you were thinking.

Heart Rate of a Field Mouse

2010-12-27T21:14:00.001-06:00

If you ever need a kick stronger than coffee or Dew, check this tea out. Got some for Christmas, tried it this evening. Got my bpm's way up there.....

It's Back!

2010-12-27T17:54:00.001-06:00

Just in time to help ring in the new year!

Charlie Brown Christmas Tree

2010-12-04T22:04:00.000-06:00

Some soothing CB as we near Christmas.

One More Step Leads to Senility

2010-11-22T17:54:00.003-06:00

A few months ago I purchased a new belt. This is no ordinary belt. The belt's buckle has a little spring, which allows the belt to be reversible. As many know, reversible is one of those things men love.

Why is a reversible buckle so awesome? Picture yourself early in the morning....struggling to get dressed while half awake. You pull the belt through the loops only to find the buckle backwards. No worry. Simply pull the buckle out a little, turn it, and BAM....belt is good to go. A modern marvel of engineering!

However, there is proving to be a dark side to this boon to mankind. This buckle is making me appear senile. Here's how:

I am a creature of habit and of steps. I empty the dishwasher with a routine. I fold clothes with a routine, and I put my pants on with a routine. This routine has been:

Pull pants up
Fasten button of pants
Buckle belt
Zip pants up

Yes, four distinct, equally important steps. Not three, not five....but four steps. I have had those same four steps for over 40 years. They are proven. They work.

Recently, I have noticed the hinge in my belt buckle is a little loose. Not a lot....but enough. As a result, the buckle almost always needs to be adjusted before buckling. Uh oh.

A simple glance at my process of putting pants on will reflect how this is a problem. For now, when I put pants on (in the morning, after going potty, and other things (wink, wink) my four step program has been changed...much for the worse.

Pull pants up
Fasten button of pants
Adjust buckle
Buckle belt

My pants program HAS to be four steps. It's always been four steps. I'm too old to implement a new pants program.

So, over the past few months I have noticed an alarming habit of going out and about with the barn door open. And, by alarming I mean about 30 times. Many might see this as an early indication of me becoming "that weird old man". While I still may be destined for that role, this is not the onset....not yet.

Few will know what you know....the cursed buckle has claimed yet another re-pantsing.

If you happen to see me walking down the street, in the halls, etc. and my fly is open, don't bother telling me. I probably already know it.

Wonder if suspenders would be better. Nanoo Nanoo.

Give Me the Bird

2010-05-21T21:16:00.000-05:00

I LOVE this cartoon......

Everyone Has Been Warned

2010-05-21T20:08:00.003-05:00

I live in a world of contradictions. Probably the most cruel of these is the fact that

I hate home improvement projects. I am not a handy man. I have no skills, no talents, no cool tools that would make me even want to do home improvement.
We own a 100 year old home

With these two very extreme facts in mind, enter the situation I am currently in....one where we need to fix the house up quite a bit. Over the past month or two I have had a lengthy list of projects I need to complete, along with an aggressive time frame to complete them.

So, after another day of scraping wallpaper, painting around windows, and cleaning up messes (with several more to go), I have reached a tipping point. To help relieve my internal pressure, I have created the following list/warning.

Please heed this list, pass it on to your friends and loved ones.....

If I see any of the following during the next three (3) months, I cannot be held responsible for my actions

1. Paint
2. Paint rollers
3. Paint brushes
4. Dif
5. Drop clothes
6. shop vac
7. Wallpaper
8. Discarded wallpaper shreds, sticky from Dif
9. plaster walls with cracks/divots
10. wallpaper scraper
11. Oops
12. spiders
13. pink insulation
14. birds/bird nests
15. drywall
16. polyurethane
17. Dust
18. an old house (over 19 years old)
19. anything related to a home's wiring
20. sandpaper
21. the fluffy, light wall patch stuff
22. a putty knife
23. my clothes from more than 7 years ago
24. Bills/cancelled checks from 1988 or earlier
25. paint thinner

Spork-A-Palooza 2010

2010-01-19T23:33:00.002-06:00

Wikipedia defines a spork as "a hybrid form of cutlery taking the form of a spoon-like shallow scoop with three or four forktines". What that means is a spork is a kick ass eating tool. It can scoop, stab, and smash.

No food is a match for it....

Soup - no problem
slaw - yea, right
meat - hey, remember the forktines?
Pudding - Oh, it can handle pudding.

Recently, a good friend, ssminnow7, brought a disturbing fact to my attention....the local KFC was no longer offering sporks as a utensil option. KFC was one of the few places still giving the consumer a choice...and we all know choice is good.

So, within minutes we lept into action.

Went to Think Geek and ordered two titanium sporks....the Cadillac of sporks. This order triggered an hourly tracking of our order. Kudos to Think Geek for prompt processing.
Projected delivery of sporks.
Organized a peaceful protest at the local KFC, bringing our Sporks in to display utensil solidarity. This protest was named Spork-A-Palooza 2010.

Monday, Jan 18th, the sporks arrived. After careful unpacking, they were carefully washed and prepped for use.

Tuesday, Jan 19th, we met at the local KFC, bringing JEZEimer along....an innocent bystander. We each ordered a buffet, and showed the ladies behind the counter our sporks. They all seemed either very impressed, or were too scared to show their true feelings. Either way, it felt good.

We then enjoyed one of the best meals in town with the most durable and versatile eating utensil known to man. It was good....very good.

We documented the who event through photographs, which I have uploaded here. Please enjoy....and also bask in the event's greatness.

Now.....to start planning Spork-A-Palooza 2011.....

The Big Event

2010-01-18T23:35:00.003-06:00

For those of you "in the know", the big Spork Lovers Society of Central Illinois inaugural meeting will be held Tuesday, January 19th at the local KFC. Below is the map. All are welcome to attend. You must bring your spork to sit at the head table.

Long live the spork. Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah.

View Larger Map

Extreme Resolutions

2009-12-30T22:07:00.004-06:00

I know, everyone blogs their new year's resolutions. I know, it can get a bit lame. However, my list is a different. It's extreme!! An extreme list!!

Many have "get into shape" or "go to health club" in their list. I am going to have a specific target with regards to health. I will reach my end of 2010 target weight of 202.
I will reconnect with my programming skills/techie side by teaching myself some basic skills in two technologies: Objective-C and Python/Django. I have started a bit with Python in 2009, but this year I am going to get serious.
I will take the boys fishing at least 3 times this year.
I will take my wife to at least 2 "cultural" events (of her choosing) this year. Local class A baseball games and pro wrestling events do not count.
I will do a better job paying my respects to those members of my family that are no longer with us. This will be done by reconnecting with a couple nephews, sharing stories about those wonderful people with my kids, and making time to get to the cemeteries and place flowers there.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T22:57:00.000-06:00

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas.

So Much, Yet So Little

2009-11-06T17:08:00.002-06:00

It has been a while since I updated the blog. There has been a lot of things happening since the last post. However, since I am in a hurry, this will be a quick update on one thing....

Our favorite freelance columnist on commode etiquette is now on Twitter. When you have some time, jump over to Twitter and give a shout out to her : http://www.twitter.com/AuntPotty

I hear she is going to get very active with her "tweets".

Hello, My Lady

2009-07-17T22:11:00.004-05:00

I am easily distracted...and have the maturity of a 7th grader. Those two facts tend to make any time I spend surfing an interesting adventure. A couple years ago I discussed how the adds with dancing alien/dancing Santa, surprised dancing women, etc. trying to sell mortgages annoyed me. What the hell any of those things had to do with mortgages still baffles me. Anyway, there is now another add bugging me......

I am now annoyed, distracted and intrigued by the Evony adds. They started out pretty goofy, but have recently started creeping into the always interesting soft-core porn category. Hey now!

I know next to nothing about Evony. It appears to be some sort of role playing online game. What I do know is that a queen/princess with a couple "qualities" highly valued by most men, wearing a low cut dress, is calling me, "My Lord" and wants me to "Play Now". Distraction level increasing....

She also mentions something about it being "free forever". Again, as the adds drift into that gray area, this proposition begins bugging me more.

This may be a great game, and the add may be very true to the activities in the game, but for crying out loud, the add distracts the hell out of me. Why does she have her eyes closed and head tilted back in "that way"??? Is she just happy to be warmed by the seemingly dull, semi-direct sunshine in the add??? I WANT TO KNOW! Just describing the add is starting to make this post sound like a Harlequin book.

Do they really get players by tossing the "wench" into the adds? By the way, did you know there is an International Wenches Guild? Don't say the time spent reading this post isn't educational.

I would be much happier if they were to put a couple that looked like these in the add:

I'm glad I don't work in Marketing.

Insta-Blush

2009-07-01T21:05:00.004-05:00

Here are the seven words in the English language that make me blush instantly. Typically, any form of the word (except abbreviation) has the same effect. I even struggle to type these. And yes, there is definitely a common thread here. I never got much past 6th grade in terms of maturity.

The BIG Seven

Brassiere (but not bra)
Copulate
Ovary
Hysterectomy
Masturbate
Intercourse
Vagina

Angels and Puberty

2009-06-27T00:36:00.008-05:00

Recently, death has been going through Hollywood like cheap sauerkraut. Trying to keep up with the celebrity passings would be a full time job...which is way too much work for me.

However, absolutely NO worthwhile blog claiming to have a television theme could not post a thought or two about the passing of Farrah Fawcett.

Charlie's Angels hit the airwaves about the same time I hit puberty. This coincidence was likely a gift from above to help me through that difficult period of time. Early on, I was drawn to the show, but also felt a bit embarrassed. Interestingly, at the time I had absolutely no idea why.

Of the three angels, I was drawn to Jill Munroe. Her character was far more developed than the other angels.

I fondly recall having many a heated "who was hotter" argument, Jill vs Kelly, with friends. The arguments typically ended with me saying, "you are just really stupid". Check and mate. I was always a tremendous debater.

Anyway, in my early teens, I tended to wear the same clothes for multiple, concurrent days. When something became my favorite, it was worn with great regularity. So, when I was given a t-shirt with THE picture on it, my dressing cycle was greatly altered. My previous favorite shirt, the "I'm With Stupid" shirt was replaced by a lovely, somewhat chilly lady.

Interestingly, the Farrah shirt stayed my favorite for almost a year, ultimately being replaced by a Bert Jones jersey. It;s longevity as number #1 was a true testimony to my admiration for her.

Farrah, rest in peace. You were a real star in this man's eyes.

A True Legend

2009-06-23T09:46:00.003-05:00

Ed McMahon passed away today.

He was a television icon; the consummate talk show sidekick. I can remember many a late night as a kid, listening from my room as my parents watched the Tonight Show in the living room I would hear Ed's unmistakable laugh. He made me laugh.....even though I didn't understand the joke most of the time.

From the outside looking in, Ed seemed to be a genuinely nice person.

Rest in peace, Ed McMahon. You will be missed.

Here's one for you....Hiiiiiii Ooooooooo.

Thoughts From the Throne

2009-06-08T22:50:00.000-05:00

I have been meaning to post using my iPhone. However, several important events have recently kept me busy.

Now that I have a few moments, I wondered where the best "remote" blogging location would be. Of course, it didn't take long to decide.....

-- Post From My iPhone

Was This Really Necessary?

2009-05-12T22:10:00.001-05:00

Tuesday was one of those days. One of those, "why oh why" days. One of those, "I hope someone up there is laughing" days.

Timeline

5:15 am - alarm goes off.
5:35 am - after listening to some of the worst country music of all time I discover the clock radio doesn't shut off by itself.
5:40 am - Hit the showers
5:45 am - Done. Yes, a 5 minute shower. I get son #2 up. He goes to a school that starts at 7:00 am.
6:00 am - Make son breakfast. Actually fry a couple eggs and make toast.
6:25 am - Depart for school
6:50 am - Drop son off at school
7:05 am - Drop work laptop off at building where it will be fixed. It went belly up on me right as I was to get a great product installed.
7:18 am - Drop off dry cleaning
7:22 am - Decide the car needs a washing. While getting gas decide to add on the cost of the "supreme". Not cheap, but decide to live large.
7:26 am - Pull right up into the wash (must be my lucky day)

So far, pretty good. Now is when it gets a bit gamey....

7:27 am - As the first power blast goes by the driver's door, I notice some water splashing in. No biggie....
7:27 am - Roll window down to make sure it shuts tight (bad, bad idea).
7:28 am - Discover window is now "off its track". Second water blast is just beginning at passenger headlight.
7:28 am - 2 efforts to simply roll the window up are unsuccessful. Second blast now just passing driver's headlight.
7:28 am - A futile "NO!!", followed by a complete soaking. Small amount of soap tossed in, although it was not on the soap cycle. Thanks, you p.o.s. car wash!
7:29 am - Succeed in manually aligning window so it will roll up....just as the "RainX" step is beginning.
7:29 am - flip the bird to the soaker as it passes my window. Continue wiping up water with dirty napkin off of the floor.
7:32 am - Car wash completes
8:00 am - arrive home
8:01 am - share story with family, lots of laughs...no sympathy
8:05 am - youngest points out that a bird has "pooped on the car"
8:06 am - upon inspection, it appears we have an ostrich in our fair city
8:07 am - let out a scream that clears all birds from the surrounding trees.

For those of you wondering....I did think to just drive out of the car wash when the window fell off track. However, the "supreme" wash is $9.00. There is no way in hell I am going to leave that wash early.

A man has to have his principles....even soggy ones.

Coolness

2009-04-17T22:28:00.001-05:00

Just a quick post from my iPod Touch using a blog app. This thing is really, realy cool.

Odds and Ends (emphasis on CC ends)

2009-03-08T23:16:00.003-05:00

Just some random stuff (mostly cool stuff I got at Circuit City)....

Good bye Circuit City. I was never a big fan of yours, but I did enjoy the sale. My best "steal" was a waterproof case for my Flip camera ($5 was a steal). Now, to come up with an idea for using it underwater.
Spending a lot (too much) time at blip.fm. I actually found Disco Duck there!!
My wife just returned from back-to-back weekends in Chicago with son #2 at state wide swim meets. He kicked some rear, and she brought me back a cool gift. She knows me really well.
Still liking my netbook. Again, courtesy of CC's misfortune.
Looking at a tough spring/early summer/fall. Oldest graduates high school and will be heading off to college. Early indications are that my wife will be an emotional train wreck. She has already cried during our trip back from a college visit.
Starting to hit another one of those career evaluations. Seems to creep up on me every spring.
I recommend that anyone who would like to easily record events look at the Flip camera. I got one at Christmas, and have used it at bball games, swim meets, and just around the house. It is the easiest video camera I have ever used. Simple, limited functionality, but perfect for a goof like me. It's great not lugging around all the stuff associated with a typical camera. And David Arquette uses one......
Finally, my last purchase at CC was an Archos 605 Wifi (80 gig). It is one of the coolest gadgets I have gotten in some time. Little tip to those running the CC rumage sale. When you have items like these, it is a bad idea to lock them in a freakin closet, sitting sideways.....unless, of course, you are hoping to score them at the end of the day.

Techie stuff is soooo cool.

Can You Hear Me Now?

2009-03-02T22:41:00.003-06:00

I have always believed that a bathroom serves a couple purposes.

Place to do that thing you are supposed to do in there (number 1 and the deuce)
Reading room
Resting room
Room to play Bejeweled
Fortress of solitude
watch TV (when staying at a hotel that is ultra cool and has a tv in the potty)

Note, one action I did not list is using the room to carry on a conversation on a cell phone. No no no no no no no.

Today, at work, as I sat in a stall taking care of purposes #1, #3, and #4, someone stepped into the stall next to me. After sitting down, they dialed someone on their cell phone and began an involved conversation.

I was in no mode for this.....so I decided to give him 3.5 minutes to chat and hang up. Unfortunately, since he was seemingly just getting started in the conversation after 5 minutes, I decided to take matters into my own hands. It didn't help that he was laughing loudly during the chat.....very annoying.

So, in retaliation, I began emitting the typical moans and grunts that a man struggling with a high fiber diet would typically create....only a bit louder (more pained) than is usual. Then, out of respect for the late Paul Harvey, I would pause for several seconds, offering the chatter a chance to gracefully end their conversation.

After a couple rounds of moans I heard him say, "no, that's not me". I almost fell of my throne laughing.

Then, after another round I heard him say, "look, I am going to have to call you back".

Check and mate, ass wipe.

No one crosses me in my domain......no one.

Is It Just Me?

2009-03-01T22:41:00.002-06:00

Haven't blogged much lately. Between school athletics, work, Twitter, and Blip.fm my time to type in a post has been reduced. However, tonight I feel motivated. For you see, over the last few days I have been told by some that specific beliefs, habits, tendencies, etc. that I have are very unique to me.

My first reaction was shock. Me, different than everyone else? Bah....pshaw!

Then I decided to put my "quirks" to the test. I will list them for all, and let others tell me how odd I am. So, below is my attempt to capture the 10 most often identified oddities that are me. Each oddity has a scale of 3 value.

1 = Everyone is like that

2 = Hmmm, that is a bit unusual

3 = Holy crap, you really need some couch time

With all this in mind, I present:

The 10 Question Goof-O-Meter

I must be the last person to leave a room or walk in a group somewhere. _____
My towel must be in the same place each morning. _____
I Have to clean my ears each morning...right after I brush my teeth. _____
Related to #3, I must be able to do my morning "ritual" the same each morning. _____
Currently, my most personal possession is a small blanket that must I sleep with. _____
I HAVE to be able to sleep with one foot outside the covers...at all times. _____
I must sit at the same place at the dinner table each night. ______
I have to be the one that gets things out of the fridge once dinner starts. _____
I have been known to put something "back where it belongs" then take it from there before I can use it. _____
When leaving the bathroom, I take some paper towel, open the door using it, then discard when I have exited. _____

A "normal" score would, of course, be 10. When I score myself, I come up with 22. (4 3's, 4 2's, and 2 1's).

Let me know how you scored me. I will be "patiently" waiting. (which means I should have an 11th item, describing how impatient I am regarding feedback).

Need A Laugh

2009-02-26T20:47:00.001-06:00

In one of those moods. Was needing a laugh.....then I found this on YouTube:

Early on, Ren and Stimpy were really funny.

17 Minutes

2009-02-08T21:47:00.004-06:00

In the past I have discussed my amazing ability to pull unusual people to me when I'm out in public. Everything from UFO believers, to psychics, to an actual vampire, just to name a few. If you think I am exaggerating, I can point you to many friends who have witnessed this power of mine first hand.

Over the last few weeks, it seemed my encounters had subsided. I had numerous trips to Walmart, Starbucks, the dry cleaners, and Schnucks (grocery store) with no encounters. Unfortunately, this string of good luck lulled me into lowering my guards.

I should have known something was coming when I had a brief encounter a few days ago at a local Walgreens. I was in line to pay for some medicine, and a rather intense gentleman begin explaining to me in loud terms how terrible red bull was for me. No, I was not holding a red bull. No, I did not ask him for his thoughts on red bull. Yes, he smelled of UV Blue.

Anyway, the discussion was fairly short lived.....but should have been a warning to me that fun time was about to resume.

Fast forward to tonight. Oldest son informs me that the gas light in our car was on....and had been on for some time. Grrrrr. I decided to make a quick run to the gas station and take care of it. Footnote: The "service" light was also on. Things like this help me understand why some animals eat their young....but I digress.

So, much like an episode of 24, cue up the clock for 17 minutes....that's how long I was gone.

I leave the house, drive down my alley that now, thanks to recent warming, is La Brea Tarpit east.
Have two gas stations in my town. Decide to go to the one with more lighting.
Arrive at gas station, begin fueling
Gentleman at pump next to me tells me that "the gas companies are f***ing us again! Gas here is almost $2.00/gallon. F******ers!"
I nod and press the gas pump handle as hard as I can.
Guy on other side of me mentions something about selling vitamins. Says I look a bit drawn, and might need some B complex.
I begin squeezing the handle hard enough to leave the impression of my hand in the handle.
Both gents drive off.
I look up to notice someone taking a leak by the air pump.
Squeeze handle even harder and shake pump hose, now knowing what it probably coming my way.
Pee'er turns around, sword still being placed back into its sheath. Begins walking toward me.
My fight or flight instinct fails me....I freeze.
Gent comes over to me....with visible crotch moisture.
Gent asks me for $2. Says his brother just died in Chicago and he needs money so he can get up there. Not sure what mode of transportation $2 will get him, other than the cheap buzz express.
I give him $2. Wish him luck.
I finish pumping, tell him I also need to pee but will do it inside in the bathroom, and go into the gas station. He laughs...I tremble.
As I walk in, attendant is laughing his rear off...and there are two policemen in the adjoining McDonalds who were watching.
I look back to see pee'er heading off into the darkness
I ask attendant if he knows pee'er. He says no, but thought I handled him well, as he begins to laugh again (all was said with a pseudo southern accent. Fortunately, no mention of a "purdy mouth")
I buy a bag of pretzels and tell the attendant to keep the 3 cents of change.
As I walk back outside, notice a fog has rolled in. I begin wondering if I drove into the Twilight Zone. All that place needed was a kid who liked to watch cartoons all day.
As I drive away from the gas station, I expect to see it disappear.
Get home, walk in, and my wife says, "that didn't take long."
I am now wondering if time just stopped for a while.

Looks like I'm back to eyes down, and grunting whenever someone talks to me.

So Little, Yet So Much

2009-01-26T22:55:00.004-06:00

It is extremely difficult being a nerdy goof that loves techie things when you are on a tight budget. You begin to try and find the simplest of gadgets to feed your addition. For example, I recently got a pen with a laser pointer at a conference. I play with it almost every day, as my coworkers who sit near me will testify.

However, recently, one person's misfortune proved to be my gain. As many have read, Circuit City is closing their doors. As a result, they are liquidating inventory. Now, typically, when a company liquidates, it means they mark everything up 20%, then take 10% off. But occasionally, you will find a deal.

Last weekend I found a deal!!

I have been planning to save for a real cool new laptop...a Macbook Air. But, as Chris will testify, I am not strong on discipline. In fact, I am incredibly weak.

So, last week I decided to stroll through the local CC to look for any bargains. As I walked around the PC's, trying out some HP's with 8 freakin gigs of RAM, I happened upon a small laptop. In the news, these are called Netbooks. This one was from Lenovo, had 1 gig of memory, a 10.2" screen and a 160 gig hard drive. Pretty descent numbers.

I played with it for a while, then walked away. Out of sight did not translate into our of mind. I ended up spending about 3 hours that night seeing if the price was a good deal. To my surprise, the machine had good reviews, and was marked down about $65....likely because it was an open box model.

So, a day later I went back to CC to try it out some more. Since it was still there, I was able to give it a few WHW tests (tested things such as Paint, spelling Shell Oil with the calculator, and made sure the sound worked). Then I walked away again.

Next work day, a coworker, at my request, brought in their netbook (a different brand, but a similar machine). I tried it out again (this one had been loaded with Windows 7). Again, very pleased with the response, the display, and the overall convenience of it.

Next day, I went to lunch with my wife and three of our kids. I let the kids pick a restaurant, and they picked one across the street from the Circuit City!! As we ate, I explained what a great deal it was to everyone (not directly approaching the keeper of Quicken for our family). All seemed in agreement that I should buy the laptop.

So, after eating I made the big buy!! The machine is extremely cool. When coupled with my Flip Camera, I now possess enough neat techie stuff to last at least through July.

Here are some pics of my new laptop:

My new laptop next to my old workhorse (same memory in both, the new one has larger hard drive)

Here's my new on sitting on top of my old one.

Here is my new one, in all its new glory.....

Thanks, Mr. Franklin

2009-01-01T23:55:00.002-06:00

I will be 46 this year. I have had glasses since 4th grade. My eyesight sucks....at least my distant vision. I have always been really nearsighted.

Unfortunately, my near vision has slowly deteriorated over the last 5-7 years. It isn't awful, but I had been finding myself struggling to read ingredients on canned foods and heating instructions on frozen meals.

So, after putting off an eye exam for months, I finally broke down and went in. Truth be told, I "broke down" when one of the nose pieces on my glasses broke. As I expected, the optometrist told me it was time for bifocals.

Damn, damn, damn.

I ended up paying a king's ransom for scratch resistant, ultra-thin, blended lenses. No line on the glasses. In retrospect, "the line" was the least of my worries.

So far, I have had a few issues getting used to them. This evening I ended up pouring some of my beloved Mountain Dew on the counter, thinking I had the can lined up with the glass. My typing has also been negatively impacted (which takes some doing).

I hate doing the "tilt back".

Getting old really sucks.

Footnote: The previous sentence was originally typed - "Getting olf reskky sucls".

Mr Rogers Was Pretty Good

2008-12-27T21:06:00.003-06:00

Much like Senator Pastore, in my older years I have considered myself somewhat hardened.

And much like him, after listening to Fred Rogers I had goose bumps. We sure could use Mr. Rogers today.

Thanks to a couple Twitterers for bringing this video up.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T09:55:00.003-06:00

I would like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas!

Brrr

2008-12-21T18:04:00.004-06:00

As we left for a family Christmas gathering today (at noon), we were greeted with this...

Since we don't live close to the Arctic Circle, and it's not February, I can accurately proclaim that this is insanely cold. (didn't even mention the -22 wind chill).

They Are Back!!!

2008-11-22T08:53:00.001-06:00

It is now officially the Christmas season. I have my first batch of Bob's!!!

I love these things!

Notes From The Other Side

2008-11-20T22:41:00.005-06:00

I just returned from a trip out west. As usual, my trip was riddled with thoughts, observations, and truly unusual encounters. Here are my notes, straight from my official "crazy note pad".....

As I walked through O'Hare, I passed a person who was having a problem with one of their ankles, which resulted in them having an odd walk. Am I the only person who begins to panic in this situation? I am convinced that, as I am walking past them, my subconscious is observing the walk, and changing my walk to be like theirs.
Dear America Airlines, $15 bucks for checking the FIRST bag really sucks. Just thought you would want to know. By the way, thanks to this asinine policy, everyone is now trying to jam all their luggage in the overheads. And that makes for a lot of frustration and slow boarding. Jerks.
Is there a hidden message when a woman wears a thumb ring? Since I only recently learned what CFM shoes were, I am afraid this means something, and I'm just not in the loop. I think they are cool....just wondering.
On the flight out, a lady decided to put on a surgical mask after we took off. At first I thought possibly she had a condition, like asthma, that required the mask. But, no. As I sat behind her and eavesdropped, I learned she was convinced that the mask would shield her from SARS and bird-flu, which she could catch from the "sickos" on the flight. I resemble that remark.
The gentleman sitting next to her was enjoying a glass of ginger ale....but in a very annoying way. He insisted on holding the plastic cup as if it were a glass of fine scotch or brandy.....putting his hand under the glass, even while he drank from it. Not sure if he had just seen the new Bond movie, and decided he wanted to be cooler. Wish I would have heard if he requested the ginger ale "shaken, not stirred."
On the flight back, I sat next to two younger gentlemen, who both sported throat beards that looked more like hair growing on their throats. Also, each was fully clothed in camo clothing. The reason I mention them is, as an elderly lady passed by us to go to the bathroom, one of them leans and says to the other, "You can smell the elderly in this plane". I'm not really sure what that means, but I am pretty confident that it isn't a positive comment.
As we waited for the flight home, I noticed a unique individual also waiting for the flight. This person had a facial tattoo and a couple pin piercings through there cheeks....all of which is ok with me. However, he also had both of his earlobes pierced in such a way that the lobs stretched almost all the way down to his shoulders. For some reason, this really disturbed me....which immediately meant he would sit across from me. Dang, I am squirming now, just typing about it. One thought kept going through my head as I sat across from him ....."COME ON!!!"

Now, the final story....one which, by itself, would have made the trip a complete experience. Note: I will not mention anyone by name, with respect to their privacy (although I believe they would actually like any attention). If you are interested in any details, email me.

As is my usual style, I arrived to the first day of tech briefings 30+ minutes early. I like to pick my seat, so to speak :p. Anyway, as I sat, enjoying a morning Mountain Dew, an interesting fellow walked into the room. He was about 6' 4", wearing a black shirt, black pants, a belt with a large buckle, boots, and a long black trench coat. He was also sporting a head of bleach blond hair. He looked a lot like a combination of Ric Flair and Von Helsing....with some eyeliner tossed in.

+

Being from the conservative, corn-fed Midwest, my experience with the whole Goth thing is pretty limited. So, when I found out that this person was also a singer in a band named after the undead, I decided I really wanted to know more about him. What I learned was...

He was a very competent techie.
He was very bright
His music wasn't bad (thanks Youtube)
His act on stage was pretty bad (damn you Youtube)
His groupies really need some time in the sun
He was a descent person

Bottom line.....it is very cool to actually mingle with people...as long as it's on my terms. I still hate Walmart, the laundromat, and Burger King after 8:00 pm. Those are encounters I can really do without.

I Am A Dork (Duh)

2008-11-15T19:01:00.003-06:00

Many of my fervent fans are eagerly awaiting stories from my recent trip to the Emerald City. I am in the process of organizing my thoughts, so as to convey the truly bizarre quality of the stories.

So, thought I would drop this little nugget out, while I work on the "A" material.

This morning I was catching up on some newspaper reading, checking out our small, local newspaper. Just as a point of reference, my town has 2,000 people. So, there is a lot of nice, small town stories.

One of the stories had to do with an upcoming Abraham Lincoln re-enactment. In my haste, I simply glanced over the story, and went right to a publicity pic. My first thought was, "Dang, pretty cold to have a guy play Mary Todd in the play." Then I noticed the guy was playing Stephen Douglas, not Mary Todd Lincoln.

I am such a dork.

Yet Another Way To Waste My Time

2008-11-05T19:25:00.004-06:00

In various recent emails, some have suggested to me that this blog is, and I quote, "odd, gross, disgusting, brainless, and a waste of time".

That last one really hurt. I will readily admit that my posts are gross, stupid, disgusting, blah blah blah. But I see my time blogging as my contribution to society.

In case any of my email "buddies" are confused, it is this way BY DESIGN! Whoa, that's right. I actually am smart enough to understand that posts about bathroom issues provide little obvious value.

Yes, "obvious". For you see, the primary goal of my blog is to tear down the walls society has erected (insert blush here) around potty stories. It is time for everyone to understand that it's ok to talk about "stink bombs", dutch ovens, code reds, human 2 minute warnings, fiber overdose, hershey squirts, etc. This is not the 19th century, people. We must break free of these self-imposed social chains.

So, in a very subtle way, this blog is part of a social revolution. Viva la potty!!

BTW: I am now trying out yet another social site. This one is very, very cool. Check out Pownce. If you end up joining, I am bwmson.

Now, off to "think" up a new post.

Enough Already

2008-10-31T19:32:00.004-05:00

Like any other sane human being, I love any October day that has sunshine and a high temp of 72.

However, there are ways a day like this can be ruined. Yea, ruined to the point that I swear while sitting outside. What/who could ruin a perfect day?

These little shits.....

I will say it again....I hate bugs.

A Questionable Rule

2008-10-28T20:58:00.003-05:00

The last couple days my household has been struggling with a "stomach bug". It has hit 4 of the 5 boys. On the bright side, its effect is strictly a potty issue; no up-chucking so far.

As a couple of the kids begin to show improvements, I was told by my wife that no one can return to school until they have been "big D" free for 24 hours. Since I am pretty ignorant of these rules, I was shocked.

I really wish work had this rule. I would never have to go in.

The Trifecta

2008-10-24T23:35:00.002-05:00

I really do try to choose diverse topics for this blog. Unfortunately, I seem to be on a porcelain roll, so to speak.

Today at work I decided to drop off a few of the "mostly empty" pop cans on my desk at the recycle bin on my floor. In the past, I have been know drop a can or two in the recycle even with a few drops of pop still in it. No biggie, right?

However, a co-worker delivered some guilt my way about it, so I decided to empty them before depositing them. So, I went to "the zoo" (bathroom on my floor) and emptied them into a sink.

as I was emptying the last can a fellow I am vaguely familiar with came into the bathroom, carrying a coffee cup. While I would never bring a cup into the john, it is a fairly common practice.

Unfortunately, what he did next is far from common. For my acquaintance walked up to the urinal (while continuing to hold on to the cup), unzipped and released with one had, and peed....all while continuing to drink his coffee!

While the coordination to accomplish such a feat is worthy of praise, the actual act seemed pretty gross to me. Was he that thirsty??? To me, it seemed to be the physical equivalent of pumping gas in your car while letting it run.

I decided not to wait around to watch him repack his goods.

Yes, I work in the IT department, and yes, many IT professionals seem to lack many of the fundamentals related to manners and common sense.

And yes, I am going to start wearing a pee bag to work.

Oh Hell No

2008-10-23T19:43:00.003-05:00

I have seen a lot in the bathrooms at work. Most of which I have shared with everyone. Sites such as (but not limited to):

Someone turning around from a urinal with his "sword" in his hand
Little poop balls rolling under the stall wall toward me
Someone blow their nose with a toilet seat cover
A bottle of pop and a plate with a hamburger on it on the floor in a stall
Someone peeing on their shoe
Abundant "curly hairs" on top of urinals (ok, I was part of the cause of this one).
Found a tub of "Tucks" on the back of a toilet

Not too long ago I commented to someone that I was pretty sure I had seen it all. Boy, was I wrong.

I had lunch today with Mrs. WHW. I let her choose the venue....so we ate at Noodles. Not a terrible place, just not one of my top 5 choices. After ordering Pad Thai I noticed (for $1.50) you could by a mood ring. Some sort of charity thing. Needless to say I am the proud owner of one. Upon exclaiming to the lady at the register how pleased I was with the ring, I was told by Mrs. WHW that I am likely the most childish 40+ year old on this planet. I think she meant it in a positive way.

Anyway, lunch was good. I cleaned my plate.....as I am supposed to. I returned to work, prepping for a couple tough meetings this afternoon. Then, as is frequently the case after a meal of pasta and spice, the gurgle (human two minute warning) hit.

Upon entering the restroom I saw one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen. There, right in front of me, was a guy standing at the urinal...doing what he was supposed to be doing, with his toothbrush sitting on the top said urinal!! He was one of the heavy duty tooth brushers that seem to brush after every meal, drink and/or snack.

Just so everyone is clear....his TOOTHBRUSH was on top of the URINAL! I almost tossed my Pad!

Then, as if that wasn't enough, after completing his session, he walked over to the sink, washed his hands, then began brushing.

As I sat in the stall thinking about what I saw, I was so disturbed that I could barely concentrate on my game of Bejeweled. And I was on the verge of setting a new personal record. Damn that brusher.

I am beginning to think out houses aren't that bad.

"We have no more power, Captain" - Scotty

2008-10-06T12:15:00.005-05:00

Last week, at on offsite work meeting at a local coffee shop, I complimented the establishment's toilet for its “power”. It had one of those pressurized tanks. And, yes, my coworkers somewhat understand my weirdness. Somewhat.

Well, over the weekend, my wife and I were in town and decided to stop by the same place for something to drink. Since my kids had devoured all the good cereals (Sugar Crisp, Quisp (yes, Quisp is still sold in some places), and Honey Nut Cheerios) I was "forced" to eat two bowls of Sam’s Club raisin bran for breakfast, prior to our trip into town. Note: Not so hidden message here: lots and lots of bran ingested.

As we sat in the establishment enjoying the ambiance, it hit….it being a “code red gurgle”. Unlike the normal “2 minute warning” gurgle, this one told me I only had a few precious seconds to find a “haven”.

I power walked to the back of the establishment, and found a nice SOB (single occupancy bathroom). After what seemed like only 20 seconds.....20 intense seconds....I was able to begin the wrap-up phase of the visit. Unfortunately, it became apparent that I exceeded the toilet’s flushing capacity.

Being the concerned customer, I noticed a plunger nearby. I spent about 5-7 minutes alternating between plunging and flushing….with an occasional cursing of the plumbing, the plunger, the toilet, and the bran. Finally, I was able to dislodge all obstructions.

Upon returning to our table, my wife made it clear that....

1. She knew something happened in the bathroom

2. She had no interest in knowing what that something was

I guess my flushed appearance, duck-like walk, and grin told her all she needed to know.

If It Has 6 Legs and an Exoskeleton, It's Likely an Asshole

2008-09-29T20:09:00.003-05:00

I have never claimed to be a big fan of the insect world. I would say I have a ever so slight tolerance for that part of the food chain. Up until recently, as long as they kept there thoracic asses outside my house, I would let them be. Unfortunately, that is now changed.

Yesterday, as I tried to scrape my back porch (preparing to repaint) I was freakin devoured by the smallest, most painful, most annoying little pest I have ever encountered. They were tiny little black bugs who traveled in swarms, and bit like they meant business. Oh, and did I mention their little bites itched like an SOB, and would swell up like poison freakin ivy?

Last night, as I sat applying calamine lotion to 2/3rds of my body, I decided a new insect policy was in order.

Here is my new Entomological Manifesto:

All insects are to remain outside my house. Once the dwelling's plane is broken, they and any of their family are to be destroyed. (This rule hasn't changed from my previous manifesto)
Any insect smaller than a full grown grasshopper should be stepped on, swatted, or fogged from existence
Any insect that bites/stings/or in any other way inflicts pain upon me should be destroyed. That also goes for any other member of its genus and/or species.
If the insect is a known carrier of any major or minor disease, it is to be eradicated.
All ants are to be destroyed.
Praying mantis' are permitted to exist as long as they promise not to grow to over 6" in length. Anything longer will not only make them a super-creature, but will freak me out if I come across one on a walk.
Any paper wasp's nest is supposed to be pelted with rocks. They need to come to grips with this fact.
Venus Flytraps should be bred for their skills in magic....and for their ability to devour insects.
Any insect not covered by the above rules should be destroyed just for being smart ass know-it-alls

If you couldn't tell, I am really fed up with bugs.

Shorties

2008-09-25T22:55:00.004-05:00

I have had a few interesting experiences lately. Individually, not enough for a post. However, together they provide yet another snapshot of my world....

Hey Fonz, Learn the Rules
Recently, in a restroom at work I strolled in to perform "little potty", aka #1. There was a gentleman facing the mirror, obviously enjoying the view of himself as he ran his hand over his hair and nodded. With the urinals about 9 feet behind him, he was taking very slow, small steps backward. I needed to go badly (big Mountain Dew from Quick-N-Easy) and did not want to use the shortie urinal, so I quick stepped him and beat him to the "adult" height urinal. Upon his spinning around, he gave me his version of "heyyyyyy" (insert best Fonzie imitation). Whatever, dork. Enjoy the shortie....and next time, fight the your narcissistic urges. Might help keep you from peeing on your shoe.

The Mating Habits of the Rare RB
We get the local newspaper delivered to our doorstep each morning. It is the ONLY newspaper we get (key fact). Each morning, as the young ones get up, I go downstairs, bring the paper in, remove the rubber band around it, place the rubber band on a kitchen counter, and check the morning weather forecast. So, if my math skills are still in tact, at the end of the week I should have 7 rubber bands on the counter. However, it is now appearing I need to separate the boy rbs from the girl rbs. For, over the last two weeks, I have found no fewer than 23 rubber bands on the counter and floor near the counter. As I sit here typing I see another one on the table near the computer. This is what the kitchen will soon look like:

"Bing" Means it's Done
On my floor at work there are two microwaves. Each appears to have been purchased around 1980. I love the semi-accurate dial to "program" in the cooking time. Anyway, in a fiscally motivated move, I have started taking my lunch in occasionally. As I stand in line for my turn to radiatively adhere my food to its Tupperware, I have noticed a very annoying lady. EVERY TIME she uses one of the microwaves, she does this. She places her food into the microwave, then finds someone to talk to. She talks, and talks, and talks.....then the microwave "bings". Of course, she completely ignores the bing, along with the growing line of people waiting to use the microwave and continues to chat. UGGHHH. I have two words for her .... Two Feet. She is only two freaking feet away from the microwave. Just turn 180 degrees, bend over, and remove the damn food! Next time I am next in line and she pulls this crap, guess whose food will be "accidentally" removed and dropped because it is "surprisingly hot".

Can't Be Frugal All The Time (aka, Fingernails Don't Lie)
We have one son who will be heading to college next year....and another 2 years later. Needless to say we are very sensitive to costs of groceries. My wife is much more frugal than I am. I still insist on buying name brands for a few grocery items. One of those items is toilet paper. I still insist on the multi-ply, mega-strong, ultra-soft, triple thick rolls of Charmin. Unfortunately, Mrs. WHW recently did the shopping, and came home with a large package of store brand, single ply tp. Hell, I can see through the squares if I hold them up. I expressed my displeasure, only to be greeted with the lecture about the recent Quicken reports (stupid Quicken). Anyway, we are now 4 rolls through the pack, and I have had 7 fingernail pokes/rips/light scratches. OMG! I would rather use eucalyptus leaves. Needless to say I now have my own secret stash.

Thanks for the Spray
If you follow me on Twitter, you may have noticed that I have been working out at a local health club. It's a very nice health club. I have been doing quite a bit (at least for me) of aerobic exercise (45 minutes on bike, 45 minutes on the treadmill). As a result, I have been getting very sweaty. That means I have been using the locker room....something I really don't like doing. My dislike goes way back to when I came in after a workout only to find a very hairy, very naked, very sweaty, very large guy sitting on the bench in front of my locker reading a newspaper. This evening I was probably one of only three people in the locker room. Unfortunately, as is usually the case, one of those people was using a locker next to mine. As this person was cleaning up, they decided to apply spray-on deodorant. The area then resembled a room that just had a roach bomb detonated. A huge cloud of Axe, Secret, Degree, Old Spice, or something became floating around the room. I can still smell the damn stuff on my bag, my nice Cubs hat, and my Colts Super Bowl tshirt. I think I need to take in some of my catfish stink bait in case I cross paths with this guy again.

C & H Were The Best

2008-09-09T22:21:00.001-05:00

And an even better classic : http://progressiveboink.com/archive/calvinhobbes.htm

I loved reading Calvin and Hobbes.

Another Classic

2008-09-09T22:16:00.000-05:00

These guys continue to come up with funny stuff

Douche Off

Way Too Much

2008-08-31T22:39:00.003-05:00

If I hear one more person say something about how happy they are that Gustav is making land in time to disrupt the Republican National Convention, I am going to snap. I have seen numerous people post things like this, including the interview with Michael Moore.

Whether I am a Democrat or a Republican is irrelevant. We are talking about people's lives. To hell with politics. To say something like this is beyond stupid.

If you are grateful the hurricane is hitting at the time of the convention, you are an ass. Plain and simple.

I feel much better now.

Back to Old School

2008-08-30T22:03:00.005-05:00

I love tea.

Although I am still a Mountain Dew man, and still crave Starbucks frequently, when pressed to pick one drink as my favorite, it would have to be tea.

Growing up, we always had one of those sun tea jars sitting on the south side of the house, with tea a brewing. It was the perfect companion drink for the standard summer supper of fried chicken, corn on the cob, and garden fresh tomatoes.

As I grew up and moved away from home, I sort of lost site of tea. Coffee, pop, and beer all stepped up as viable alternatives. Occasionally, in the middle of winter, I would make some hot tea.

Then, one day a few years ago, I bought a box of Celestial Seasonings' Green Tea. That started my path back to tea. I started ordering iced green tea at Starbucks. While on a business trip in Atlanta, I had real honest to goodness sweet tea! Last year, I started buying boxes of Tazo tea. It was all coming back to me.

Why do I bring this up? Last week I was visiting my in-laws. And they had a big pitcher of tea. It tasted good. Since most of them had been working hard that day, the pitcher didn't last long. So, once it was drained, someone would get up and put together another pitcher in a matter of seconds.

Having completely forgotten about my childhood, I could not figure out how they made another pitcher so quickly. So I watched once....and what I saw brought back all kinds of good memories.

Each time they needed more tea, they would drop 2 tablespoons of this in the pitcher:

Good, old fashioned instant tea. Nothing fancy, nothing sophisticated. How simple.

So, I now have a jar, and plan to make some each morning, to take with me to work.

Sometimes, simpler is better.

My Wheelhouse

2008-08-30T21:30:00.004-05:00

Today I was asked to leverage my expertise in a critical family purchase. Nope, not a new computer. Nope, not a new TV. Nope, not a new car.

I was asked today to buy a new toilet seat! The current one became unusable this morning. While no one will fess up to it, I believe one or more of my sons were using it as a climbing toy.

Oh, the joy. I KNOW this stuff. I am as close to an expert as there is in the field of toilets and toilet related hardware.

Confidently, I strolled through the aisles of Lowes, looking for the next seat to my throne. As I approached the toilet seat area, I was greeted with this site:

and

The ones in the picture on the left, while very appealing, were not going to happen. The one rule I had was, "NO CUSHIONED SEAT". That rule had something to do with the belief that "I would spend even more time in there". Hey, it's my fortress of solitude.

Anyway, as my eyes scanned over the ones in the pic on the right, I was faced with a tough decision...

Should I get the one that had some anti-bacterial quality to the seat? There are lots of bacteria floating around my house. Nah. Bacteria makes us stronger.
Should I get the one that had the built in "slow close" feature? No more lids slamming shut. But, as Mrs. WHW pointed out, since the lid is never put down, that would be a waste.
Should I buy the one with the triple screwed down back for minimized wiggle? Our seat gets a lot of shifting during a typical sitting (Note careful spelling. The omission of a couple letters makes that sentence R rated.). Nah. $35 is too much for a poopie cushion.
Should I buy a Kohler? They are the toilet experts. Yea. Let's go with the experts.

So, I snagged an entry level Kohler, and headed home. Upon removing the old seat, I learned that one or more of the boys need some target practice (fodder for another post).

After installing the new seat, I implemented rule #3 in the WHW household..."Whoever installs a new toilet seat gets to use it first."

Boy, I am really glad I had that pizza today.

Who Lives In A Pineapple Under The Sea???

2008-07-28T21:10:00.005-05:00

I am the proud owner of a brown old school Zune...which I affectionately refer to as my turd.

Why did I choose a Zune over a far more popular iPod?

For one thing, I like being different. I'm not into "going along"

The second reason (and the much more motivating reason) was that I love a great deal. I thrive on great deals. I have a history of buying things simply because they are absurdly marked down. My turd was no exception. I got a 30 gig Zune for $99. For those of you who don't have tape on your glasses, 30 gig is a honking lot of space. In fact, as we speak, I have my entire musical collection on it, as well as three movies (Ghostbusters, Napoleon Dynamite, and Mallrats) and 4 episodes of Ghost Hunters (yes, I have the one in the lighthouse)....and I still have 9 gig free.

The Zune Marketplace (Microsoft's version of iTunes) is OK. That's where I subscribe to several Podcasts and buy my TV shows. I am steadfast in only buying music from Amazon (DRM free).

Anyway, the TV offerings in the Marketplace have been somewhat limited. Yes, Ghost Hunters is cool....but I longed for more....that is, until last weekend. Last weekend, everything changed. Last weekend, my Turd came to life in a way I can only describe as beautiful. Last weekend, the Marketplace started selling the first few seasons of Spongebob.

Oh, the joy of now watching "Pizza Delivery" (The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza for you and me), "Dying for Pie", and "The Idiot Box". I actually fell asleep last night listening to "MuscleBob Buffpants". I am certain I slept with a smile on my face.

So, the next time I am down, I will simply put on my headphones and sing.....

F is for Friends who do stuff together.

U is for You and me.

N is for Anywhere and anytime at all.

Down here in the deep blue sea!

Hello....McFly

2008-07-24T23:00:00.003-05:00

Quick rant.

Is it too much to ask that, IF a web site has product pictures AND it has a link that says "Enlarge Image" under each picture, the resulting image that is displayed if I click on the link IS BIGGER THAN THE INITIAL IMAGE????

It really doesn't seem to be a stretch to assume that people who want to see "an enlarged image" would want the image to be larger than the one they currently see. And, by "larger" I mean noticeably taller and wider.

Come on people, this isn't rocket science.

Flintstones Will Always Be #1

2008-07-18T23:15:00.000-05:00

Wonder what Barney means.....

Shorts From Mr. Joshua

2008-07-18T20:26:00.002-05:00

This is some of the best content currently on YouTube.

Busey is honest, straightforward, and, to quote a line in Lethal Weapon, "Way out there, man. Like Pluto."

Men are From Best Buy And Women are From Bed, Bath and Beyond

2008-07-12T20:36:00.005-05:00

My wife has been doing some work from home to help us make ends me. Being a very smart person and a hard worker, she has had some respectable success with her business.

Recently, she decided to spend some of her earnings on a moderately priced laptop. Much of her business relies on email, updating her web site, entering orders, etc. Made good sense.

So, last weekend we went to a local store to buy a laptop. We found a very nice Toshiba for her. After the purchase, we ran a couple more errands, then headed home.

This is where we hit the gender fork in the road. For when we arrived home, she placed the box containing the laptop behind the desk. Then she said, "I'll open it later".

WHAT!!!!!!!! Noooooooooo.

I calmly explained to her that it would make my head explode if she didn't open the laptop immediately and start it up. I told her that, in my world, you cannot leave a monster purchase like a laptop sitting in its box at home for any measurable amount of time. She looked at me, smiled, and walked upstairs.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! This can't be happening.

She came down about 20 minutes later to see me sitting at the dining room table, staring at the computer box. Since she bought the laptop with her work money, I knew it would be completely wrong for me to open it up.

She then told me she was heading over to her friend's house for a while. WTF???

I tried everything to forget about the PC. Pulled weeds, changed light bulbs, etc. But all I could hear was that dual core processor crying to be powered up. "Please, turn me on. Let me start using those 3 gigabytes of memory. Please"....is what I heard.

Finally, my wife returned home. I think she felt she had her fun, so she unboxed and powered up the little beast. I was able to breath again.

I swear, if she decides she wants an iPhone I am going to eat some rat poison. It would be a quicker death.

My Expensive Tastes

2008-07-11T22:55:00.005-05:00

As I spent a couple weeks on my own on a business trip, I decided to actually make supper a couple of times. I'm not huge on eating out. The room the office I was visiting reserved for me had a fridge and a stove. As an interesting footnote, most of my dinners out were to a nearby In-N-Out Burger.

So, a trip to a Von's netted me much of what I needed for the "home cooked" meals. Unfortunately, as is usually the case when I go grocery shopping, I got a little distracted.

First, they were having a sale on Tim's Cascade Style Vinegar and Salt Chips. Those are darn good chips.

Next, prior to the trip I discovered Snyder's of Hanover Hot Buffalo Wings Pretzel Pieces. These things are awesome. I brought some into work before I left, and they were devoured.

Of course, I also bought ample amounts of Mountain Dew, and a couple bags of organic carrot sticks.

I struggled for a main course. I wanted something I could enjoy, that I never really get sick of. Something simple and easy. One thing came to mind.....and it was delicious....

So Much Still To Learn

2008-07-09T18:11:00.003-05:00

Lunches are important for me. I do my best learning at lunch. I would like to think I am pretty smart.....a man of the world. Recently, it seems like my lunches find me learning more and more about the real world. Today is a perfect example.

I didn't have time to make my lunch this morning (overslept again) so I went out with a couple of coworkers, J-Girl and EZE. The conversation began with the observations (by me) that I really didn't know crap about different ways women flirt with men. My best understanding of flirting was obtained from a Brady Bunch episode where a girl flirted with Greg to try and get his vote for head cheerleader. Pretty sad, isn't it?

Anyway, as is typically the case, the lunch discussion went quickly into the gutter. That's when I learned an important fact about women's shoes. Specifically, CFM shoes.

At the risk of being labeled a complete loser by everyone reading this, I am going to state that I had never heard of CFM shoes. However, upon watching a couple women crossing the road I learned one was wearing CFM shoes. Unable to initially fess up, I looked over and noticed one had really high heels on, and another had knee-high boots on (a rather odd choice of footwear in July). Still, no clue what CFM shoes were.

I finally admitted I had no idea what CFM shoes were. After some chuckles and nods from my "friends", I learned CFM stood for "Come F*** Me". The extremely high heels were an example of them.

In total disbelief, I challenged them accusing them of making it up. Come to find out, if you go to Amazon and search on CFM shoes, you get over 50 hits!

I stand corrected....and I stand a much smarter person this evening. Who would have thought?

Of Socks and Sons

2008-06-02T22:35:00.004-05:00

Many people shake their heads when they hear we have five kids. Many almost weep when I tell them they are all boys.

Yes, they eat a lot. Yes, they usually leave the bathroom in a pretty disgusting mess. And yes, they pretty much destroy any nice furniture we were so stupid to have purchased.

With all that in mind, there is one aspect of sons that is driving me bonkers.....especially with two of them now being as big if not bigger than me.

They use and abuse my socks. The two (and as of today three) oldest sons are notorious for pillaging my dresser, taking my socks. Then, they wear them without shoes, outside....or as part of a multi sock set up for basketball, or as they swim with fins.

They are expected to mate their own socks. Unfortunately, I seem to be the only one around that takes that task seriously. Hence, my dilemma.

Do not cry for me, for I have come up with the answer to my problem. I am now purchasing hideous socks. Socks no fashion sensitive child would ever wear. Personally, I detest socks, and only wear them because I have to. I couldn't care less what they look like. However, teen and preteen boys are keenly aware of things like socks.

So, now I am wearing these (amazing what you can find in the discount bin)......

Now, all I need are brown sandals, ivory white legs, and ill fitting shorts. And believe me, I have just about every one of those covered.

LOVE

2008-05-26T21:52:00.004-05:00

My wife and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary this weekend...a couple days early. Some family commitments will keep us from having much time together on Wednesday.

We went to Galena, had a nice time (great food thanks to recommendations from DW), and my wife is superbly wonderful. Think that sums the small trip up well.....

Hopefully, many many more years to come.

(Can you tell I took the picture myself? And no, I didn't ask her to kiss me for it.....)

The Water is Cold and Deep

2008-05-23T20:12:00.003-05:00

Recently I had the pleasure of attending a tech conference in Orlando. The weather was perfect, several of the sessions were very informative, and there was free beer one night.

Yes, free beer. A tech conference happy hour with free beer. It is the adult equivalent to Christmas Day. Throw in free hot wings, egg rolls, and Internet access, and you have techie nirvana.

I attended the conference with Kirby and team newbie EZE. EZE is a young, energetic fellow....who is very social. He was enjoying each evening, after conference sessions were completed. Refusing to accept the fact that I am old, I decided to keep up with him the night of the free beer. Bad, bad idea.

I had several beers (in the neighborhood of 9 or 10) and was feeling really good. The fact that the happy hour was in the conference hotel, and we were staying there made the baby binge acceptable to me....no need to drive or get a ride.

Anyway, I hung with EZE until around midnight....then decided I had proven myself. When I got up to the hotel room, tasks #1, #2, #4, and #5 were to take a leak. Task #3 was brush my teeth. I can not stand to sleep without first brushing my teeth. Even sporting a descent buzz didn't change that little quirk of mine.

I took care of all tasks, then collapsed on the bed. Around 3:3o am nature once again called. So, in the complete darkness of an unfamiliar room, I made my way to the bathroom. As is ALWAYS the process when I conduct a pre-dawn pee, I proceeded to "plop" down on to the throne. Unfortunately, that's when things went bad.

For, as I executed task #5 (4th pee after returning to room prior to sleeping) I did a standie. So, Mr. toilet seat had been placed up. Apparently, in my haste to wrap up task #5, I failed to execute the critical step of returning the seat to the down position.

In a nutshell, I got a nice butt wash in the middle of the night. Hopefully, the walls of the hotel room were somewhat insulated. If not, I apologize if you were staying in a nice hotel next to Universal last week and heard what sounded like a huge fish splashing, then cursing in a pool of water.

From the pages of "Duh!" magazine, getting old and getting your ass wet with toilet water at 3:30 am sucks....even in a cool place like Orlando.

Heads Up!

2008-05-09T21:44:00.002-05:00

As many of you know, my second oldest is a pretty good swimmer. He is on a team that practices at one of the local college's pools.

This evening, as I went to pick him up after practice, I noticed an awful lot of traffic around the college's basketball arena. What I learned was that tonight was graduation night. That meant I had to park quite a ways away from the pool.

I ended up finding a spot by the school's baseball field. There was a game this evening at the field. I was parked several feet beyond the left field fence....what I thought was a safe distance. As I walked away from the car I heard that distinctive "clink" of the sweet spot of an aluminum bat making contact with a ball. I thought, "he hit that one hard".

Seconds later the ball came sailing over my head, bouncing about two feet in front of me. As any good baseball fan would do, I scrambled to get the ball, and felt vindicated for the bodily risk the object had just presented me. Sure, the ball was only worth about $5.00.....but it was a home run ball!

I am Weak

2008-05-09T21:32:00.004-05:00

First, I would like to apologize to Chris, and all those males out there that were pulling for me in my effort to make a point with Mrs. WHW.

Next, I would like to tell Dory and G that you are both dirty players. For heaven's sake, I am only human. By merely suggesting that a haircut can trigger "favors" from the spouse you forced me to visit the local Regis today.

Damn you.

Exercise in Futility - Week One

2008-05-05T21:58:00.002-05:00

As some of you may remember, I am on a haircut boycott. My wife made a flippant comment recently regarding my hair. She said I tended to get my hair cut right as it started looking nice. Here is a link to my full description of the traumatic event.

My decision was to wait until she commented that I needed a haircut....then add three more weeks before getting it cut. I shared this plan with her. Her only reactions:

Laugh

Look at my hair

Laughed again

Said...."it will bother you long before it bothers me"

She walked away laughing more

Anyway, last Monday she mentioned that I was looking "a bit shabby". That started the clock. Today, she asked if I wanted her to make me an appointment with her friend who cuts hair. I reminded her of the three week plan. She just rolled her eyes.

For the record....I hate having my hair touch the top of my ears. Whenever I am out of her field of vision I mess with it.

Here is how I look at the end of week #1.....after having worn a hat all day:

It's Got A Good Beat....

2008-05-05T13:35:00.002-05:00

A good set up, a catchy beat, and a universal symbol. This all adds up to brilliant infotainment. The song sounds an awful lot like a Wham! song from the 80's.

Soul Mate

2008-05-05T12:38:00.006-05:00

As I quickly approach my 20th wedding anniversary, I am frequently reminded how/why we have been able to stay together for so long.

It's not because I am very easy to live with. It's not that I am a world class romantic. It's not that I am an extremely hard worker at home.

You see, love is about understanding and acceptance. Understanding and acceptance of the others' specific "uniquenesses". For my lovely wife sees me for what I am (a goofy, childish, dork) and accepts me as that.

Perfect example: she recently went along as a chaperone on one of our son's band trip to Washington D. C. Upon returning home, she gave each of the kids their new tshirt. Knowing I would likely mope around if I didn't get anything, she handed me a special gift she said screamed me when she saw it. She only asked that I not put it on my car.

Fair enough....it goes on my bookcase at work.

Thank you, honey :>)

Who Continues to Piss Off The Elderly?

2008-04-28T22:15:00.002-05:00

A while back I posted a little experience I had with some older folks. They seemed overly pissed....and decided to take it out on me.

Since then, relationships between me and those of advancing years have been pretty good. That is until yesterday.

Yesterday was son #4's first communion. Yes, A-Train is growing up fast. Anyway, after the church, and a family breakfast, A-Train wanted to go into town and use some of his gift money to buy a Webkin. For those of you who do not have a younger child, Webkins are the Beanie Babies of this decade....tossing in a web site and a virtual world for good measure.

The store we went to had a deal going.....a free Webkin for every $10 you spend. Somehow, Mrs. WHW was able to spend $40....which allowed each of our younger kids to get one without spending any of their money. Who would have thought Mrs. WHW needed another purse??

As I sat in the mall waiting for everyone to pick out their webkin, I decided I had earned a treat, too. So, after finishing up I drove over to a Starbucks to get myself an Americano. With the recent cold spell, a nice hot drink sounded good. I opted to go in to get my drink, since I like to put my own milk into the drink.

As I walked into the store I noticed a older gentleman walking across the store in a shuffling motion. This shuffling motion gave him a pretty slow walk. No biggie to me. I gladly let him walk in front of me...telling him to "Have a good day" as he walked past me and our eyes met. I was completely sincere.

He turned his head back to me and calmly told me to "F-Off" (using 'F' instead of his word to keep the blog family friendly).

Ouch. What in the world did I do to deserve that??? Unfortunately for me, his f bomb surprised me so much, I started laughing. My guess is that this likely ticked him off more.

Maybe I missed something along the way. Have the years of Jessica Fletcher, Barnaby Jones, and Marcus Welby passed me by? Is everyone now from the Archie Bunker mold???

Looks like I need to update my elderly greetings. Can't wait to try one out on my "buddy" at Quiznos.

My Life's Homework

2008-04-23T22:39:00.002-05:00

I recently attended the funeral of a very sweet great aunt. She was 99 years old, and until about a year ago, was very active and alert. As I listened to the monsignor talk about her wonderful life I started thinking (as most people do) about my life.

With my 45th birthday still fresh in my mind, I started thinking about what I have done, what I have experienced, and most importantly, what I still want to do. Today, as I sat in Starbucks waiting for son #2 to finish his swim team practice I took out a small notebook and a pen and started scribbling out my life's homework. There are some short term goals as well as some longer term...some will be easy to accomplish, some pretty difficult.

I want to actually sit through the entire movie "The Ten Commandments". I always get just past the parting of the Red Sea, then I am out.
I want to hike up something that would be classified taller than "a big hill". Not looking at mountain climbing, but a serious hike with some altitude. (not much in Illinois that would qualify)
Travel to Glacier Bay
Save for a new laptop. My buddy CL has me just about convinced to save for a new MacBook Pro.
Reconnect with an old friend that I have lost touch with. I should never had let my relationship with this buddy drift away. He was a good friend growing up. I think he has had some rough times lately.
High five a couple of my long distance blog buddies. You know who you are.
Retire with my health still good. This is the first of many around work. Work is consuming a lot of my thought lately. I need to change something about it.
See my beloved Cubs win the World Series. 100 years is long enough.
Write a book. I have lots of stories. It would be cool to compile these into a book.
Help one person at work achieve their vision of success, doing all I can to help them overcome the bullsh*t that gets tossed at people trying to accomplish something. I have seen several good people get chewed up and spit out by all the politics.
Spend a three day weekend doing nothing but fishing. I used to love to fish.
Mail in all the ^%$& rebates I have sitting on my desk.
Give my wife the house she has always wanted. We have a pretty old house that has lots of issues (much like George Bailey's).
See each of my sons step into adulthood happy. Just want them to be happy.
See at least one of my lamo posts generate 500 hits.
Get the chance to work from home. I like being home. I like being home when the kids come home from school. I like actually interacting with life during the day. Sitting in a cubicle is not where I want to continue spending 8 hours a day.
Donate $1,000 to a worthwhile charity.
Walk away from work when I want to.
Find that basic, pure spiritual faith I had when I was a kid.
Meet my biological mother. Just once. Want to just have a short chat with her. Let her know that I appreciate what she did for me.

Nothing too ground shaking in the list. Just thoughts that popped into my head over the course of two hours, while sipping a Java Chip Frappucino. Java chips are awesome.

Personal Air Space

2008-04-17T21:34:00.003-05:00

My world is driven by my rules. My issues. My obsessions.

For example, here are just a few of my rules (trust me, I have volumes of these)....

Once something is in the trash can, it stays in the trash can. It really bothers me when someone takes something out of the trash.
Upon leaving a bathroom at work, I wash my hands, dry them...keeping the paper towel, then use the paper towel to open the door, throwing it away once I exit the bathroom.
No one is to sit on a table that I place food on.
When leaving a meeting or work area at work with coworkers, I insist on being the last person. DW....I am talking to you.
I can never get a full physical from a female doctor. To explain why in a post would bump the blog to an "R" rating. I think you know what I mean.

One of my top rules is respect the concept of personal air space. Give and be given ample room when in a crowd, a line, and/or a bathroom. Nothing bugs me more than to have someone jamming my space.

I have noticed that the concept of Personal Air Space seems to not be an international concept. At conferences or theme parks, it seems people get right up on you.

This brings me to earlier this week. I am in the salad bar line at the cafeteria at work. As I assembled my salad I began to "feel" the person behind as they crept into my air space. As I spoon peas into my bowl, they are grabbing sugar beets....which are right in front of me.

UGGGGHGHHH.

Message for PAS invader....

News flash, buddy. There will be plenty of sugar beets left after I move on. Yes, lots. In fact, I'm not taking any, so the bowl of beets will still be full. Isn't that unbelievable???!! So please, take a couple steps back.

Thanks, "friend".

A Battle of Wills

2008-04-17T16:04:00.003-05:00

Haircuts for my family are a full evening event. One of Mrs. WHW's friends cuts hair, so we typically block off an evening with her. She comes over to our house, and each kid gets a cut. Then, time permitting, I might get trimmed up.

Since my college days (when I sported the Shaun Cassidy look) I have had a hair length rule-of-thumb....once my hair starts going over the top of my ear I need a cut. This rule has always worked well for me. Hair over my ears drives me bonkers.

Last week, my wife's friend was over giving everyone a cut. But, to my surprise, my cut was not on the schedule.....even though it is clearly hanging over the top of my ears.

I asked my wife what gives???....and she replied, "I have been meaning to tell you that your rule isn't a good one. You get your haircut every time your hair starts to look good."

This completely blew me away. First, it implied my hair doesn't normally look good. Second, it more than implied I have a bad rule. Anyone who knows me knows I live by my own rule book (a very thick book). These rules have evolved over time....and are proven to keep me relaxed and at peace with the world.

My knee-jerk "adult" reaction to the her comment.....I am now letting my hair grow until she tells me it looks bad. Then it will go three more weeks before I get it cut.

Stuff Shaun Cassidy....I am going for the Billy Ray Cyrus look. Clarification: current Bill Ray look, not the mullet.

Expect a pic posted in a few weeks.

I Am Sure I Was #11

2008-04-15T21:36:00.000-05:00

Now this is a cool list....

Bad Ass Geeks

Like Chess, Only Harder

2008-04-10T22:57:00.003-05:00

Like most people today, we are always looking for ways to save money. One of the obvious ways is to save leftovers from suppers and use them for lunches. In fact, many foods (like meat loaf) are much better the second time around.

Last night we made spaghetti for supper. Considering we have five kids (all boys) and the oldest ones are 16 and 14, when we make spaghetti, we make spaghetti.....like 3.5 lbs of spaghetti. Last trip to Sam's Club netted us a six pound bag of spaghetti. How cool is that??

Anyway, as anticipated we had a few leftovers. As I prepared to store the leftovers, the lack of availability of appropriately sized Tupperware should have given me a fair warning. But, after creatively fitting a round bowl with an oval lid (Tupperware does have "give" in it), I was ready to take the food to the fridge.

Unfortunately, upon opening the fridge door, here is what I was greeted with:

Holy bat barf, Batman!! How the hell do I get a bowl of spaghetti in there??? In a scene much like the one in Apollo 13, I spent several minutes (and trial runs) putting together the right steps of moving and replacing current contents so as to make room for the new occupant. Yes, there were setbacks, but failure was not an option.

As usual, upon successfully storing the new leftovers, I had Mrs. WHW come down stairs just so I
could show her. Her initial reaction was to pull two bowls out, saying they had old food in them. Then asked me to dispose of the hairy turkey salad and taco meat.

Now I have to figure out how to fit the newly emptied Tupperware into the Tupperware cabinet shelf. My work is never done.

Now THIS Is More Like It

2008-04-09T21:32:00.002-05:00

Had another crappy day today. Getting railed on gets soooo old sooo quickly.

However, I did get the final plans in place for my mid-May trip to Orlando to attend VS Live. I will be staying at the conference hotel (at Universal)!

And, in my email basket when I got home today was a link to this!!!!

I am so there.....

Distractions

2008-04-09T16:31:00.002-05:00

I am finding myself working extra these days. This extra work is taking me to Borders, Starbucks, Paneras, etc. This works out pretty good for me, since we could use the additional money.....and I need to be around to pick up son #2 after swimming practice.

Anyway, as I work in these places I usually wear headphones and listen to XM online. However, I still find myself picking up bits and pieces of conversations around me. Some of the "bits" I have heard make me laugh out loud. I hope, in the context of their full conversations, these made sense. And, yes. I have a Word document where i am keeping track of these.

Here is a sampling of recent quotes:

No, you will wear the blindfold tonight.
If I get any more pee splashed on me I am going to scream. (hopefully, a doctor, nurse, or some other caregiver)
I gave him 3 days to get the lizard out of the house.....or I am throwing it in the oven.
The hemorrhoids make it a lot harder
Yes, he was picking his nose.
I typically try to visit more intellectual establishments.
Did you fart again?

And my favorite.....

So, you have already spoken to Dr. Dick?

I lost it on that one.

I guess I need to turn the volume up more.

Someone Owes Me an Hour

2008-04-08T18:23:00.002-05:00

For the record, like many, I hate time changes. Messes me up internally as well as causes me work. Also, for the record, no auto maker should require three hands to change the time in a car.

Anyway, about a year ago I bought a new alarm clock. I opted for one that syncs itself with some master clock. Not sure where the master clock is, or how exactly it talks to the master clock. But the feature sold me, since changing clocks irks me (see initial paragraph).

With the somewhat recent time change, I noticed my alarm clock not "springing ahead". I thought, no biggie, I can manually change it. So, before bed I bumped it an hour. Next morning, I am awakened a bit late. The mother &^%#$ reset itself over night. Next morning....I am late...which bothers me greatly (but not as much as waking up unnecessarily early).

It appeared the keeper of the master clock was asleep at the wheel. Two weeks later, my clock was still an hour behind. To get around this, I started setting my alarm an hour earlier than I should....compensating for the lazy ass clock keeper.

This morning, as the alarm went off I noticed it seemed dark. I then look at my watch and see I am up an hour early....noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! In a "just awakened haze", I scrambled to see if my watch was right, if the alarm was right, etc. Come to find out, the master clock was reset sometime between 11:30 pm last night and 3:30 am this morning.

I never had this problem with my old fashioned clock. And its ticking helped me fall asleep.

Progress sucks.

Brand Loyalty - An Update

2008-03-30T17:47:00.003-05:00

First off, thanks for the link Chris. I will be lining up that order today.

Having spent a little more time with my new phone, I have learned to like it. Specifically, I now have a mobile way to play one of the few games I loved playing as a kid.

No, not pong (although I did like playing Pong outside the local Grants). I am talking about Pac-Man.

A trial version of Pac-Man was on my phone. A full version was purchased today.....and it is beautiful. Carpal Tunnel, here I come.

Brand Loyalty

2008-03-26T21:33:00.005-05:00

I have needed a new cell phone for quite a while. As you may recall, Mrs. WHW's phone started going belly up last year. So, being the consummate gentleman, I offered to swap her phones. My was pretty new. Also, my use of a cell phone is usually pretty limited....calls, calendar, alarm clock, and occasionally camera.

Last week I noticed that my contract/phone was up for renewal. For 2 more years of commitment I could get a new phone.

Off I went to the local AT&T shop to get my new phone. Although I love the newest gadgets, I must live within my means. This translates into no iPhone, no Smart Phone, and no Blackberry. Bummer, big time. I now use the rule....which is the most expensive "free" phone being offered. My small attempt to stick it to the man.

Now, as my buddy Chris will testify, I have been a strong Sony fan for many years. Way back to when Walkmans were the kings of personal audio. Unfortunately, me and Sony parted ways a few years ago. Stuff got too pricey.....and some odd behavior by Sony (root kits, charging to deliver a laptop without the crap on it, etc.).

With this in mind, I was faced with a dilemma at the phone store. The "best deal" was a Sony Walkman phone. After about three seconds of internal debate I decided to pull the trigger.

Here is my new phone:

Not nearly as cool as an iPhone.....but much better than the cracked, half functioning Samsung I was using. And, really.....it just has to be a phone. Right?

Goodbye, Old Friend

2008-03-17T23:11:00.004-05:00

It is tough saying goodbye to an old friend. One that you grew up with. One that has been there for the tough times as well as the good times.

Unfortunately, as of tonight, I have to say goodbye to one of my best friends.

Goodbye, steak.

I know it seems drastic. But, the deal was sealed tonight. For tonight was son #2's swim team awards banquet. As Mrs. WHW was unable to go, I was going it alone with JL. The program was at a local steak place. Not just any steak place....but one where you pick the steak, you grill the steak, and you eat the steak; along with ample amounts of Texas toast, salad bar, bake potatoes, and Pepsi.

I had not been here for quite some time. I used to love easting here. When I was on my own, and lived off of happy hour food, this place's steak kabobs were the best. Those and the 24 oz beers.

Anyway, tonight I splurged. I got a nice big steak and enjoyed it. Bigger than I probably should have gotten....ok, drop the probably.

Afterwards, I had to run over to Best Buy and to Kroger before arriving home. Unfortunately, about 5 miles from home the human 2 minute warning hit me. JL insisted we drive the remaining miles with the windows down.

When I got home, I power-walked up the stairs. As I blew past Mrs. WHW she snickered and said something about the exhaust fan. The entire walk upstairs is still a blur to me. When you focus every portion of your mind to "flexing" the sphincter, other portions of the brain have to shut down temporarily. Just a fact of anatomy.

I won't go into gory details of the potty time....only to say I was so desperate for reading material that I asked one of the kids to bring in a couple Highlights.

Yes, that is sad.

I can no longer deal with this pain. I must say goodbye to steaks. It hurts to say goodbye, but it hurts more to lose feeling in your feet while going big potty.

My Lifelong Dream

2008-03-03T23:04:00.002-06:00

I had planned to post again on Tuesday. However, things are not shaping up well for some computer time tomorrow night....and I want to get this out there while I still remember it.

Like most people, I have had a lot of dreams in my life. Some have been simple, some have been complex.

However, since I was old enough to drive I have had one dream that, to this day, remains one of my strongest, yet simplest. The last few days I have come very close to experiencing this dream.....yet it continues to elude me.

My dream is to hit a huge puddle with my car so hard that I splash a house. I want to nail a puddle so well that the water flies so far it hits a house near the puddle.

Not sure why this dream has remained with me. Possibly because it seems somewhat attainable. More likely its durability is connected to the simple fact that I never really matured much past 9th grade.

Either way, the recent rains, warm weather, and melting snow have once given me a chance to possibly experience my dream. Just this weekend, as Mrs. WHW and I returned from an Olive Garden lunch I spied an enormous puddle near a neighbor's house.

While still two blocks away I began aligning the car for the approach. My wife, very aware of my dream, immediately began complaining about the dream. Each year she talks me out of "going for it". Her approach this year was describing all of the bad things that could happen if I did hit the puddle. She went from the possibility of hydroplaning into the neighbor's garage to splashing one of the neighbors by accident, to getting caught speeding as I made my final approach.

She came up with all these within a block and a half. Pretty impressive. To maintain some peace at home, I ended up dialing back my approach. As a result, I soaked one of the neighbor kids' Green Machines.....but got no house.

Oh, one day when my pretty conscience isn't around.......

I Must Have Missed Another Meeting

2008-03-03T21:14:00.004-06:00

As I progress through my life, I am compiling my marital "lessons learned". I plan to share these with my sons are they mature and prepare to marry. To put it another way, I am writing down all the apparent inconsistencies women seem to have to hopefully spare my sons from traveling the same (sometimes painful) path I am on.

Now that I have ticked off most of the people who read this, let me outline the newest chapter in this collection.

To me, there are dishrags. In the pecking order of ragdom, dishrags are slightly above the shop rags and slightly below my beloved shower rags. So, I would never think to use a dish rag to clean my dog Spike's favorite source of fiber from my shoes, just as I would never be able to take a dish rag along for my morning body scrub.

Unfortunately, what I did not realize until recently is that there are different ranks within the dishrag family. These ranks, as with most ranks, come with privileges. And, a disregard of these ranks is a very serious act. Very serious. Permit me to elaborate.....

Our dishwasher recently went on the fritz. As we wait for the parts to arrive, we have been old schooling it. Fill the sink with hot water, add some Palmolive, and scrub. Being the gentleman I am, I often "volunteer" for the dish washing duties. Mrs. WHW usually corrals the youngest kids up stairs for baths and bed.

So, each night I pull a new dishrag from the rag drawer, taking whichever one is on top next. I give no thought to the type of foods prepared for supper nor the condition of any of the dishes. We have a sink and a garbage disposal. What is there to worry about?

A couple of evenings ago I learned there is a lot to worry about. For supper, we had tacos and beans (a big favorite). The taco meat was prepared in a skillet. After supper I noticed a lot of cooked on pieces of hamburger with taco seasoning on the skillet. No biggie, I thought. I filled the sink with water and soap. Pulled the next rag from the drawer. Dropped the skillet into the sink. Let the skillet set for a few minutes. Then, I began cleaning it with the rag.

As I began cleaning the skillet Mrs. WHW came downstairs to collect some books for a little reading time with the kids. As she walked past me, I assumed I would get a passionate thank you, a wink, and more appreciation later. Ok....I actually hoped she would notice my efforts and smile at me. To my surprise I was given a blood curdling scream and a "What Are You Doing???"

I then learned that the rag I was using "used to be" one of the nice rags. Ones seldomly used on anything. Their primary purpose is to sit out after the dishes were cleaned, in case a guest would show up. Upon expressing my thoughts on the "good rag" concept, I was told to only use the rags in the second drawer. And to not use any of the good towels either.

I admit, the rag was getting a bit nasty from the stuff on the skillet. But, to me, anything called a rag should be available for this kind of work. Heck, the word rag just sounds dirty. Those nice rags should be given a different name. They aren't rags.....they are decoration.

Anyway, looks like I inadvertently added a new soldier to the regular rag ranks. And, at the same time, proven my lack of understanding of the "nice things".

Wonder if I should show her the hand towel from the bathroom I used to clean mud off of my hands yesterday. Since the towel had a nice shell on it, I'm guessing I shouldn't.

I hope Clorox doesn't ruin it.

Barry WISHES My Kid Was Right

2008-03-01T23:26:00.003-06:00

Supper time is a great time to just chat with the kids. Although they are frequently going 4 different directions, we try to have as many as possible at the supper table.

Tonight was one of those reasons why we should keep this a priority.

I spent some time this afternoon sharing some of my baseball card collection with a few of the kids. Unfortunately, the Ernie Banks, Billy Williams, Ryne Sandberg, Pete Rose, and Hank Aaron portion of the collection was not too interesting to them. However, the Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens, and Barry Bonds portion drew a lot of interest.

Then, at supper, discussion about those players ensued. Of course, considering the players, the discussion drifted into their recent run in with the truth. That's when A-Train gave us this nugget of hilarity.

As we discussed Barry Bonds, A-Train said, "I know him. He is the one that took Altoids".

Nothing else needs to be said.

Better Not

2008-02-27T00:03:00.003-06:00

I was going to post a second time tonight. However, I decided to capture my thoughts that would have been posted here, and save them somewhere else.

In a nutshell, I am feed up with things. And tonight it all hit me.

It probably doesn't help that this week is an anniversary of my sister's passing....God bless her soul. Just not in the mood for crap right now.

Either way, if you are interested in knowing where the other post is, let me know. I will send you a link.

Later.

There Is Nothing Wrong With FM2

2008-02-26T23:46:00.003-06:00

Tonight will be a double post night. First, the family friendly post.

Recently, my Mercury Sable officially died. After 175,000 miles, it was entitled to stop working. However, as a result, I was forced to do something I hate.....shop for a used car.

Anyone who knows me well knows what me first step was in negotiating a new car....I called in Mrs. WHW. You see, my lovely wife is a deal maker. In a very sweet yet tough way, she gets deals. Whether it be a car, a pair of shoes, or meat being sold door to door, we live by the rule that retail is for losers.

Anyway, within two weeks of my car dying I had a new car. I am now driving a slightly used 2007 Corolla. Basic model that gets good mileage. For me, a perfect car.

If the post ended here, it would be great. However, it doesn't end here. For the other day, as I headed off to work I began radio surfing, first hitting each of the presets, then multiple presses of the scan/seek. However, when I hit preset #1 of FM1 I noticed something odd. It wasn't my #1, it was Mrs. W's #1. My first reaction...."what the?"

For, you see, as owner of said vehicle, I am of the belief that FM1 presets are mine. FM2 is all hers. She hates AM, so they are mine too. In her Odyssey I do not mess with any FM1 presets. I believe I am entitled to the same courtesy.

When I inquired with her about this apparent misstep, I was shocked to learn that she is not from the same school of thought. Her "school" is, "I work the deal, so preset #1 on FM1 and FM2 are mine." Can you believe it?? The nerve of some people.

Unfortunately, she won round one. For the past week I have left her station on FM1 preset #1. However, the other day the new car's battery went belly up. So, upon picking up the car from the dealership after the battery was replaced, I noticed that all presets were gone....and that the repair man appeared to have an interest in the local college station (since he did set that....on preset #1 of FM1. Again, what the????).

I spent several minutes carefully resetting my FM1 presets in the proper ascending order. Now, let's see how long it is until round #2. And yes, I know I will not win that round either......but I can dream, can't I?

Chapter Chats with Aunt Potty

2008-01-23T23:18:00.000-06:00

Well, hello, hello, hello. This is your Aunt Potty checking in with my peepers.

Before starting, I want to make a special call out to my main man DW. Mr W gave me the wonderful title for this week's topic. DW, I know WHW has frequently not given you credit for things here, but I have your back side, bro. Oh, how I love to talk street talk.

It has been a very long time since I have been on this blogster thingy. I took a bit of a break to catch up on various hobbies I have; such as crochet, stamp collecting, and extreme snow boarding. Of course, one of my favorite hobbies is reading books. And during my vacation, I had the fortune to stumble across a wonderful book I think all my readers should get.

The title of the book is "What's Your Poo Telling You?", by Josh Richman and Anish Sheth M.D. It has such a cute brown cover, with our favorite seat in the house right on the front.

The book itself does a beautiful job of describing the different types of poo as well as provides some medical factoids about them. Also, as a nice touch, the authors include several of the various poos' aliases. What is most striking is the literary quality of the writing.

For example, here is an excerpt from the book:

Hanging Chad

aka: Grundle Weeds, Cling-Ons, Butt Bark, The Lone Ranger, Turtle Head, Crap Crumbs

"It is critical when wiping up after a poo to make sure the job is complete. Hanging chads are the stubborn pieces of turd that cling to the anal hairs and often refuse to let go. Larger than the traditional dingleberry, an unnoticed chad can provide an unwelcome surprise......"

A-men, brother.

The book also has advice from their "Dr. Stool". I think I went to school with him.

I was thoroughly impressed with the completeness of their identified poo types. They have everything from Monster Poo (aka The Double Deuce), to the Braille Poo (aka Rocky Road), to the Clean Sweep (aka Wipeless Poo). What outstanding coverage!

After consulting with my friend J-Girl (who cried through most of the book...likely due to it's sensitive handling of floaters vs sinkers) there is one glaring omission. The authors fail to address the Disappearing Poo. You know the one that you know comes out, you hear come out, you feel splashes....yet it is nowhere to be found when you stand up.

Overall, though, I give this book 4 1/2 lavatories. A true butt kicker, pardon my French.

So, the next time you find yourselves at a Barnes and Noble or Borders, look for this book. You will be glad you did. That's the straight poo, from your good Aunt.

Almost Forgot - Huge Thanks

2008-01-19T20:35:00.000-06:00

In all the craziness around here....I almost forgot to publicly thank two very cool people for their recent kindness.

First off....big thanks to Prudence, of 3 Hour Tour fame. Chris and his posse dropped off the little Candy Canes, and they were delicious.

Next, big thanks to one of my bestest blog buddy, G. G, being the truly nice person she is, sent me, via mail, a package of Bob's mini candy canes. Thank you very much, G. You are a buddy.

Finally, a big thanks to the one and only Caffeinated Librarian. She sent me a very cool card. CL, you and MCL are the best.

Sunday Just Won't Be The Same

2008-01-17T23:09:00.000-06:00

Caution: the following post contains a significant number of product plugs. For those readers keeping score at home, I have hyperlinked and bolded them. In case you are wondering, the Colts Pro Shop recently massively marked down the prices on their Super Bowl XLI stuff.

Yes, I am in mourning. Not serious mourning.....just football mourning.

My beloved Colts will NOT be playing on Sunday. Oh, they had the game last week. Then, my buddy MM's Bolts shot them down. I tip my Colts Sideline cap to you and the Bolts, MM.

They had a great year. Another 13 win season. While many of the fair weather fans are groaning and looking to order their Patriots crap, I sit here thumbing through my recently purchased Super Bowl XLI Game Program (purchased immediately after the deflating defeat for a paltry $5.00) reminiscing on the wonderful world championship I enjoyed last year.

Others I know are suddenly Brett Favre fans. Go figure. Out of nowhere came their CheeseHead. Well, I say NO to that bull. Yes, I will watch tomorrow's game between GB and the Giants (anyone know why ESPN insists on calling them "The Football NY Giants"?). I will be watching it basking in the warmth of my Super Bowl XLI Champions Parade Hoodie.

Boy, the sweatshirt is almost warm enough to keep out the bitter chill of defeat. Do I need to concerned about that lingering cold???? Of course not....for I will be sporting my Super Bowl XLI Champions Hat Hook T-Shirt underneath my sweatshirt which will repel the remaining bits of cold.

So, don't cry for me, Argentina....or Louisville.....or Omaha....or even San Diego. I am prepared for this difficult stretch coming up. Well prepared.

Now, if only I could convince Mrs. WHW on the investment value of the Fan Version of the Super Bowl Champ's Ring ($1,399.99), then I would be set.

Because It's Mine

2007-12-30T22:39:00.000-06:00

I try to be a sharing person; especially when it comes to my family. In fact, I believe strongly in sacrificing for my family. Of course, even I have limits.

There is one thing I do not share well. There is one thing I keep all to myself. My blue comb is mine.

You see, I have had my blue comb since I was in 10th grade. It has the fat teeth with the large spaces between them as well as the small teeth that are close together. It has a lot more class than the traditional black barber's comb I had as a kid, or the Arthur Fonzerelli comb I had in Jr. High.

Me and the blue comb have been through a lot. It was with me during my Shaun Cassidy hair days. It was with me during my well styled Wall Street look. It has been with me during the most recent receding/thinning hair period.

I keep my blue comb high on the top shelf of the medicine cabinet....away from wandering hands. In my household, the life span of a comb is typically 2-3 months. Around here, a comb is often times used as a screw driver to open up a toy, or a weapon to sting another brother, or as a tool to pry dog poop out between the grooves of the soul of a tennis shoe.

Recently, as we prepared all the kids for a "nice" outing, there were no combs to be found (Later found one with Spike. Add pet grooming to the list above.). So, Mrs. WHW went for my blue comb. As you might have guessed, I freaked. I insisted on overseeing its use and ensuring its proper return.

In retrospect, I was probably a bit overzealous in my protection of the blue comb. However, in stressful times people frequently react in extreme ways.

Since this time, I have found the blue comb on the side of the sink. I'm not sure if it is a slip, or someone is sending me a message. Either way, my blue friend must find a new sanctuary.

I am far to old to break in a new comb. Besides, friends have to stick together/

Just Another Reason I Am Like I Am

2007-12-26T20:55:00.000-06:00

Many times I am approached by friends, co-workers, family, my wife, etc and asked, "Why are you so....so....different??".

Excellent question! Much of my personality was shaped by what I watched on tv as a youngster. And, through the greatness of YouTube, others can now travel back in time and bear witness to some of the most "influential" shows.

Keep in mind that, growing up we only had three tv channels. One was a CBS channel, one was a PBS channel, and one was an independent channel out of Indianapolis. So, my choices in shows were limited. CBS...typically too grown up, PBS....typically too intelligent, independent....perfect.

Much of what I watched is long gone from my memory. However, one show continues to stand out in my mind. Every Saturday night, from 10:00 - midnight was a locally produced monster movie show called "Sammy Terry".

Sammy was the host. He was a ghoul who had little acting skills. He had a few co-stars, including a rubber spider named George who's fishing string was never really hidden.

I loved watching Sammy. I was part of his fan club. I had a Sammy Terry t-shirt as well as an autographed picture.

Until a recent chat with an old friend from my neighborhood, I would have thought my chances to watch any Sammy Terry were long gone. Then, my friend mentioned that there were Sammy clips on YouTube. Technology once again comes to the rescue.

I submit for your review a few of my favs....

This one is from his 10th anniversary extravaganza (which I remember watching). Note the high brow introduction.....
Here is another from his 10th. I like it because one of the celebrity call-in congrats is none other than Dick The Bruiser, "The World's Most Dangerous Wrestler".
I like this one for two reasons. First, it has the standard 70's/80's contest (send a post card with name, address, etc). Second, he is using his clout to pitch the Indy 500.
This final clip is just pure ST.

After watching these clips, is it any wonder I ended up like I did?

Merry Christmas

2007-12-24T11:21:00.000-06:00

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas.

I'm Back, Baby

2007-12-22T21:39:00.000-06:00

Hello one and all. It's been a while, hasn't it? Life has kept me hopping lately. We have swim team practices, swim meets, basketball games, school "holiday" programs, Christmas shopping, and of course work. All have contributed to my absence. However, the itch the post is too great to fight....so here are some Christmas/winter/holiday/school sports thoughts...

Special call out to my long distance buddies. You RU. Hope things are going well. G, thanks for the remembering my cross-gender nickname. You're my bud. Mamachristy, you are still one of my fav blogs. I will be posting my randoms soon. Thanks for the tag. Caroldee, long time no chat. Nice to hear from you. Weimie, hope you have an awesome Christmas, too. Thanks.
Should a high school "Holiday" program really last for 2.5 hours. That was tough. I got elbowed twice for falling asleep. Not sure how Mrs. WHW stayed awake for it all.
Just got our local band order of Oranges and Grapefruits......mmmmmm.
I have now had my brown turd (aka brown Zune) for a month. I am liking it very much. First, I got it at buy.com when it was only $99. Yep, $99 for a 30 gig player. Very sweet. Next, Microsoft did a cool thing when they provide software updates for old Zunes (like this one) so they had the new software that newer Zunes come with. Next, being able to share songs between Zunes wirelessly is very cool. And finally, the online marketplace handles podcasts very well....and I like podcasts. Now, the player isn't perfect, but I am really liking the purchase.
Call out to PMaroun for getting me hooked on music by Cake and Johnny Socko. The Socko music is still making me laugh.
I love Christmas time. However, yesterday the season turned on me in a nasty way. As I stood in a long line at the local Aeropostal, I was tortured by that damn Wham! Christmas song. So help me, between that song, the Elton John song, and the endless playing of "Santa Baby", I am about to jump over to the Grinch's side. I almost grabbed the solid rod that was sticking through one of the ears of the person next to me and rammed it into my ears to rupture my eardrums....the WHW equiv of chewing a leg off to get out of a trap.
BTW: the Madonna version of Santa Baby is awful. I'll take Eartha Kitt's version over it any day.
Clementines have to be some of the handiest fruit on the planet. Small, easy to peel....how perfect.
Back to the Zune for a moment. Do you ever find yourself wondering..."Wonder what WHW is listening to"? Besides it being a cry for help....it is a valid question. Well, thanks to the wonder of technology, you now have a answer your question. My Zune page is here. Enjoy....and seek some help soon.
I went to buy more of my favorite Christmas treat today (mini candy canes). They were out!!!
Another call out to PMaroun for sharing some Rat Pack music. "Ain't That A Kick In The Head?" is an awesome song. Thanks, buddy.
I love Christmas shopping for the kids. Tonight I "tested" a cool remote control dinosaur that will say what you speak into the control. Wish these toys would have been around when I was a kid.
Had to ask the lady at a local store tonight if the sweater I was buying Mrs. WHW was navy blue. Stupid color blindness. I guess last year the blue sweater I bought was really black.
Took a bit of a fall the other day going down to our basement. Upon hearing my fall, Mrs. WHW yelled down two things to me....

What was that noise? Did you drop a bowling ball down the stairs.
When you get up, be sure to bring the broccoli and cheese up here.

Love is such a funny thing.

Just Like My Home

2007-11-20T23:44:00.001-06:00

This Has Got To End

2007-11-18T00:02:00.000-06:00

Time for some NFL talk.....

I am a Colts fan. I have been a Colts fan since childhood. Big fan of Bert Jones, Lydell Mitchell, Roger Carr, etc. I have been a fan through all the lean years. I was a fan when they moved from Baltimore to Indy. I was a fan when they barely won 2 games in a season. I was a fan when they almost went to the Super Bowl behind Jim Harbaugh. I was a fan when they picked Manning, and people claimed Ryan Leaf was a better prospect. And, I was a fan when the won the Super Bowl.

As you might expect, I hate the Patriots. I hated them when they had a cool patriot on their helmet in the three point stance. I hated them when Steve Grogan was their quarterback. I hated them when Tony Eason lead them to the Super Bowl only to be destroyed by the '85 Bears. I hated them when it seemed every year they knocked the Colts out of the playoffs. I even hated them as they went down in Indy.

With all this in mind, I hope they got undefeated this year and win it all.

That's right. I want a perfect season for them. Why???? To put an end to this:

I am old enough to remember the Dolphin's perfect season. I liked that team....then. But I am now very tired of the celebrations every year when the last undefeated team goes down.

Don't get me wrong. I typically thrive on celebrating the defeat of others. But this has gotten old, even for me.

Please, let the Pats go undefeated this year....then let them implode.

Thanks.

Addendum:

As you could guess, I came across the YouTube above while looking for SportsCenter clips. Here is my fav:

Su-Prise

2007-11-15T22:38:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted a good bathroom story for a while......

I am in a class this week. The bathroom in the building is shared by three or four classrooms. Since one of the perks of taking a class at this facility is free Mountain Dew, you can imagine I have made frequent trips to the bathroom....taking care of little potty.

Yesterday, as I stood at a urinal, a person from another classroom came in and occupied the other urinal. So far, nothing too eventful.

Then, out of nowhere, the guy rips a nasty sounding fart. Then, almost immediately after the wind breakage he:

Said, "Oh Sh*t!"
Hastily pulled up his pants
Jumped into the bathrooms only stall

From this point, I can only speculate what happened. Since it appeared he was caught off guard by a shart (sh*t + fart), I would bet he either left his grundies in the trash or flushed them.

Dang, I hate it when that happens. But you have got to take any event involving the arse very seriously....even the seemingly harmless toot.

Good rule of thumb for you little leaguers out there.

They Are Back!

2007-11-12T22:58:00.000-06:00

Truely, A Perfect Crime

2007-11-12T20:33:00.000-06:00

I admire guts. I admire people who have the stones to do "ballsy" things. I want to be one of them. Unfortunately, I'm not.

Each week, on Wednesday night, I take our three trash cans to the curb. Thursday morning is when my heroes come around. Interesting side note: we have had these same trash cans since we were married. Rubbermaid makes a heck of a trash can. Missing a couple lids....but the cans are still usable.

Anyway, last week the cans were pretty full. While I try to do the right thing and recycle, sometimes I get a little lazy.

Since the trash guys don't arrive until after I leave for work, I typically grab the empties when I get home from work, and take them behind the house. When I got home last Thursday, I noticed something odd......one can still had trash in it.

Hmmmm. Why would my boys leave one can full??? I chalked it up to carelessness, and went inside. Later, when I went out to move the cans, I noticed something odd.

The trash in the can isn't ours. Believe me....I know my trash. And this crap ain't it. And, to top it off, the bag wasn't tied shut!! That pisses me off soooo much.

As I thought about, it dawned on me. This is a perfect crime. What am I going to do with someone else's trash??? Throw it away? That's exactly what they want. BRILLIANT!

I tip my hat to the trash burglars.....check and mate, my friends.

BTW: In protest to their act (and against Mrs. WHW's desires, I took a large piece of cardboard out and wrote, in big letters, "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID!". I have left the cans in front of the house...and will for the rest of the week, with the sign right in front of it.

Unfortunately, according to Mrs. WHW, the sign "blew away" this afternoon during a shower.

It's A Gift

2007-11-06T23:25:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a day off for me. I ended up running to the local store to pick up a few things for lunch. I did NOT want the tilapia Mrs. WHW was making. I wanted chili and macaroni noodles....my own chili mac. BTW: tilapia looks a lot like carp.

Anyway, as I walked out of the store there was a older fellow wandering around the small parking lot. As I approached my car, he looked up at me, smiled, and said something about the wind (yesterday was very windy here). I nodded and told him to be sure to hold his hat on. In retrospect, this was a dumb thing to do.

What followed was 15 minutes of discussion. Topics included:

How his daughter and her friend are trying to draw disability...not because they are disabled, but because they are lazy. I learned that "they" hire people to watch people who are claiming disability and take pictures proving you are not disabled.
He spends his days wandering parking lots, gas station lots, and fast food drive thrus looking for change that people drop and don't pick up. Sounds like the McDonald's drive thru is a gold mine. Said this helps him pass the day.
In a story that tied his first two stories, he told me that he once found a wallet with $120 in it at a truck stop. His daughter wanted him to keep it....and give her $50. He decided to call the person and work out a return. He was rewarded with $20 of the $120.

Believe me, for every story I post about my encounters I have 3 more I decide would be redundant.

It's nice to be needed.

Vindication

2007-10-28T21:11:00.000-05:00

Many at work and at home think I am a bit of a germ-a-phobe. In all honesty, I do have some pretty strict beliefs when it comes to hygiene and a person's health and well being.

For example, I refuse to eat on a table at work if a certain unnamed coworker has plopped his rear end down on it, treating it like his own butt scratcher. Only after applying a heavy dose of Germ-X will I place a plate on the table.

Also, any food or utensil hits the floor (especially at work) and it goes to the trash. Folks, I have seen the bathroom floors, and shoes that have walked there will have also walked where the food drops. And don't give me the 5 second rule. No, thanks.

Another oddity, I am horribly uncomfortable taking things back out of my trash can at work once something is tossed in. To quote the Sopranos, once its in the can, "It's dead to me". This one seems to conflict with my life long dream of being a garbage man. Go figure.

Finally, I am adamant at home that the kids take their own water to school, rather than drink out of the water fountains. I am convinced many of my school-age illnesses were pulled from school fountains. Having watched many an elementary school kid carp the spigot, I know those things are bacteria playgrounds.

As you might expect, most of my beliefs generate a lot of crap from my "friends". Well, I stand here tonight to say, "Suck it, friends". Check out what MSNBC and Health magazine have to say. Two very reputable news sources.

Some of my thoughts on specific items in the list

#1 - I use lots of Clorox Cleanup in and around the sink for this very reason
#2 - Having just flown this past week, I am 100% with you.
#3 - This was a shocker to me. Especially the underwear factoid. A gram of feces in each pair? Damn.
#4 - I told you!!!!!!
#5 - No brainer. I like how stores now provide antibacterial wipes near the cart area.
#6 - We need to return to the barter system.
#7 - No mention of a wallet....which typical sits in front of a man's flamethrower.
#8 - Reminds me of the local pool/stray poop incident I had a few years ago.
#9 - Once I was going back into a locker room after a work out. And sitting directly in front of my locker on the bench is a three hundred pound naked guy who appears to have just gotten out of the sauna. Just sitting there enjoying his newspaper. Not really sure why he had to be naked while reading the paper. Needless to say, I dried off and dressed standing up.
#10 - Why I hate baths...and refuse to follow many friends' peer pressure and pee while showering.
#11 - This and my aversion to work are reasons I usually don't answer my phone.
#12 - While I agree with this, I have to admit that I tolerate this one. TV is my friend, particularly on a trip. Friends have to be understanding of other friends.

So, after reading the list all I could think was...."Vindication is such a sweet dish"

Lessons While On The Road

2007-10-25T01:24:00.000-05:00

As they say at work, I am OOO this week (Out Of the Office). I am on a business trip with PMaroun and Kirby. We are in the Emerald City, which was sunny yesterday but rainy today.

As is usually the case when I travel, I have lots to talk about.

Overheard two people in front of me on the flight out here talking about the pet potty in the airline catalog. One phrase caught my ear. "I just wish she would use the litter box while in kittenhood." Kittenhood?? Is that really a word? Is Puppyhood a word? How about Larvahood?
I bought a bag of Newman's Own Organic Salted Round Pretzels. They are really good. Who is Nell Newman (on the bag with Paul)?
Anyone ever been to a Jitters Coffee shop?
Got a boss Mustang as a rental car. Feel like Burt Reynolds in Smokey and the Bandit. Hey Kirby, I am running breaker.
Yes, I am officially driving PMaroun crazy. If you recall, I vowed to not travel with him again after our last trip. Well, time dulls memories....but they are all flashing back now. And yes, Pmaroun, I suggested eating at a Qdoba tonight. So what?
The speakers at our briefings/training have been outstanding.
My watch quit working tonight after I got back to my hotel room. Since I cannot stand to not have a watch on, I went back out into the rain and bought a $16.00 Casio. Love those deals.
Thanks to Chris, I have been watching Curb Your Enthusiasm in the evenings.
The guy sitting next to me on the flight out slept most of way....which is usually good. However, he had an arm twitch in his sleep, and kept poking me in the side.
Speaking of the flight out, thanks to my goofiness of getting to the airport two hours before the flight, I was able to get an exit row seat. Nice.

Chocolate Gum Drops

2007-10-18T21:30:00.000-05:00

Double post night.

I have often written about how cool the people are that I work with. One of those, who gets very little "air time", is DW. DW and I seem to have a connection when it comes to weird humor.

Each day this week has been progressively harder than the previous (at work). Difficult meeting after difficult meeting. Goof balls that seem to enjoy ticking me off. Blah blah blah.

Anyway, as I got ready to leave today, DW comes over to my desk and tells me that there is a blog post waiting for me in the bathroom. With a build up like that, how could I not investigate?

So, I strolled into the restroom, and took a peek in the stall DW had described as the location. And, what did I see????

There, right in front of me, was a toilet with three little mounds of poo on the seat! Holy %$#@. Not skid marks....but small piles.

In a CSI moment, I took note of the fact that none of them had trails, which would seem to indicate that they were dropped directly onto the seat...no lateral force. Possibly some low hanging fruit fell from the tree.

I immediately started laughing, which I think perked the person's interest in the stall next to the crime scene. As I washed my hands (which I do whenever I enter a restroom) he came out staring at me.

As I walked back to my desk, I lost it again about 10 feet from DW's desk...which triggered him to start laughing. We shared with J-Girl, who did not seem to understand the level of our enjoyment...even after I drew a picture of it on DW's whiteboard.

Sometimes, work is fun.

I Am A Bad Ass

2007-10-18T19:33:00.000-05:00

As I have made very well known, I am a real nerd. I have lead a crime-free sheltered life.

That was, until yesterday.

Yesterday, I took a walk on the wild side. Yesterday I was a rebel. Yesterday I challenged authority. Yesterday, I went to a pawn shop.

Little background. Recently, I got a new cell phone. Nice RAZR. Unfortunately, Mrs. WHW's phone started failing her soon after this. Being the gentleman, I offered to trade with her. Since she uses hers much more than I use mine, it made sense. I figured I could handle it until her contract came up for renewal next May. I was wrong.

Being a gadget geek, I couldn't take it. So, I started plowing through EBay looking for a good used phone that I could put my SIM card in. Yesterday, at work, J-Girl suggested I check out a local pawn shop.

Many thoughts ran through my head (most of which I shared with her):

Aren't there ex-cons at pawn shops?
Aren't pawn shops dark buildings with tiny windows that have bars in them?
Isn't the stuff in a pawn shop "hot"?
Won't there be brawls outside of the pawn shop?
Won't I, in all my geekiness, stand out and attract attention?

She seemed to buy into the last question.

Anyway, after stopping by a Starbucks, Kirby, J-Girl, and I went to the pawn shop. And, no, I did not take a Frap into the shop with me.

As I entered I tensed up. The building was much larger than I expected. Much better lighting. I was very much aware of everyone around me. Waiting for someone to start a knife fight....which never happened.

as I walked around, I started feeling much more comfortable there. However, I never completely let my guard down. While they didn't have any phones, they did have some neat stuff. This lead to probably one of only two slips I had there.

As I looked around at the TV's I said, "There is some neat stuff here!". That triggered a few of the "regulars" to look at me. Guess you need to keep a low profile in a pawn shop.

My second mistake was laughing too much at a John Schneider album (yes, real vinyl). Again, a couple of the guys working there gave me the look.

All and all, the trip was educational. I learned how tough I can be. Yea, I hang at pawn shops....when I want to. Anyone got a problem with it?

Pretty tough, ain't I? Maybe next time I will go in without the pen in my breast pocket. Maybe then they will embrace me as one of them.

I Never Did Like Reed Richards

2007-10-16T21:43:00.000-05:00

Growing up, I was primarily a Marvel fan. Of course, Spiderman, Hulk, Silver Surfer, Captain America, The Fantastic Four, and Iron Man were all my favorites. I think it was the frequent use of humor that drew me to these more than their DC counterparts.

Anyway, for some reason, I never liked Reed Richards. Not sure why.....he just seemed like a jerk.

Well, tonight, as I "worked" I found out why I didn't like him. This site has the answer, along with some very funny "graphic novel" commentary.

The shocker in the site's list was the inclusion of Superman. However, if you follow the link on the list to this site, it becomes very obvious why he is included. Note: be sure to give the site time for the graphics to come up. They are worth the wait.

When it comes to the Fantastic 4, I will stay with The Thing.

Addendum: After exploring the list site, I found this page, which hits really close to my Cubby blue heart.