Barry WISHES My Kid Was Right

Supper time is a great time to just chat with the kids. Although they are frequently going 4 different directions, we try to have as many as possible at the supper table.

Tonight was one of those reasons why we should keep this a priority.

I spent some time this afternoon sharing some of my baseball card collection with a few of the kids. Unfortunately, the Ernie Banks, Billy Williams, Ryne Sandberg, Pete Rose, and Hank Aaron portion of the collection was not too interesting to them. However, the Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens, and Barry Bonds portion drew a lot of interest.

Then, at supper, discussion about those players ensued. Of course, considering the players, the discussion drifted into their recent run in with the truth. That's when A-Train gave us this nugget of hilarity.

As we discussed Barry Bonds, A-Train said, "I know him. He is the one that took Altoids".

Nothing else needs to be said.

But They Know What I Meant

One of the many challenges in parenting is thoroughly thinking out the various results associated with an edict handed down to the kids. I have been a parent now for 16 years, have five kids within my "span of command". Yet, virtually every statement of guidance I provide the squad results in unanticipated outcomes.

The most recent example.....

As you could probably guess, being five very unique boys, each has his own level of "morningness". A couple are early risers while the rest are spread out between slightly later to extreme laziness.

As a result, the early risers will frequently drain the "good" cereal, leaving Special K and Rice Krispies for the later risers. This usually generates some tough discussions between the boys. (as well as some cereal hoarding in the bedrooms)

Now, you may be thinking that "the early bird catches the worm"....so the cereal was an appropriate reward for the virtue of early rising. However, for two reasons I do not fall into this camp....

1. The early risers would intentionally overeat in order to deprive the later ones. To me, it's one thing to satisfy an appetite...it's another to do this.
2. As a kid, I was a late riser....so I have empathy for this group. Growing up, I was frequently left with a choice of either Grape Nuts or Cheerioes. The Quisp and Super Sugar Crisp was long gone when I made it to the kitchen....and it really ticked me off.

Anyway, to fulfill my parental obligations, I decided to try to correct this injustice. So, I told all boys that early risers were not allowed to completely drain a cereal box. The must leave something in the boxes for the later risers.

As I dropped this new law on them a few weeks ago, I was surprised at the global acceptance to it. In retrospect, that should have been a red flag.

Anyway, as expected, a substantial loop-hole was found and exploited almost immediately. As of today, I have five boxes of cereal in the cabinet, each with approximately one tablespoon of cereal in it. In some of the boxes, all that remains is simply cereal powder.

Now, no one wants to mix their cereals (but they have no problem mixing their sodas at Burger King). So, since I made the law, Mrs. WHW (who warned me to think it through more before enacting) has now mandated that I have to empty any box that no one else wants.

Sugar Frosted Flakes + Corn Flakes + Count Chocula + Mini Shredded Wheats + Fruit Loops is really going to suck tomorrow morning. But it should provide a nice sugar buzz until 11:00.

Diary of a Mad/Lazy Dad - Day #4

Dear diary, I have made it to day #4. Day 4 found me up early getting ready to take JLW to his first serious meet (where he can qualify for state events). Big S volunteered to watch everyone since day one of the meet would likely run several hours. Hmmm...wonder what his angle is.

As we left for the meet I pleaded with everyone to get along. I would be an hour away...and needed everyone to get along. We stopped 15 minutes into the drive to fill up with gas. As I pumped gas my cell phone rang. Seems there was a dispute as to who was next on the XBox. After having A-Train and Big S on speaker phone, the dispute was ironed out. It was "suggested" that everyone go outside for a while and play.

As we drove to the meet, I would have thought JLW would have been nervous about the events. However, over the course of 50+ minutes of driving the main concern he had was that whether Amazon would have the new Potter book on our doorstep when he got home. Fortunately for everyone, it was.

As for day #1 of the meet, he did outstanding. He qualified for state competition in each of his three events, blowing past the required time in the butterfly (8 seconds faster than he had to be). He split time on the drive home talking about the state meet in two weeks, the possibility of the Olympics, and the Potter book. Got to love youthful enthusiasm.

As we made it to town, I treated all boys to a trip to McDonalds. JLW decided he needed Subway...since it was more healthy. I found the ripped open Amazon box on the floor in the kitchen.

With only one more day to go....I think I am going to make it. Got a very early rise in the morning.....meet starts at 8:00. Hopefully, we will be done by noon. Get home and begin the mad scramble to clean up/hide messes before Mrs. WHW gets home. I have learned from previous outings that a little mess is good....helps Mrs. WHW feel needed. Boy, is she needed.

I believe her next trip is in two months. If it doesn't kill me, it only makes me stronger.

Diary of a Mad/Lazy Dad - Day #3

Dear diary, day three is almost over. Another day of "treading water".

It was nice weather today, so I had a constant battle of playing indoors vs outdoors. I gave them the morning to play games indoors while I mowed the yard. It is hard to mow a straight line when one of your eyes is focused 90 degrees off, watching the east windows of the house. I resembled Marty Feldman when I finished.

Note: I should never, ever doubt that A-Train has my genetic material in him. He started using the phrase "Fear my stench" after our lunch of pizza and garlic bread. It is so hard to tell a kid to stop using a phrase when you are struggling to supress a laugh.

After lunch we were outside. Some put on rollerblades while others played on the swingset. I found myself frequently checking my work email while outside. I really need to get a life.

This evening I warmed up various left overs for supper. I was asked, "Where is the vegetable? Mommy always wants us to eat vegetables". Oh, the funniest things come from a 4 year old. I gently pointed out to him that salsa and ketchup are vegetables.

Now I am preparing for the two day swim meet that starts tomorrow. I stopped at the local store with Z-Dog to set up a good breakfast and lunch for the ones staying home tomorrow. Big S will be watching everyone again. I learned, while picking cereals, that there is now a chocolate Chex. Think I may snitch a little later tonight.

You Know, Work Is Really Pretty Easy

Typically, I work the week between Christmas and New Years. Not a lot of people in....I usually get quite a bit done.

However, this year I decided to take the week off. I had some personal time to burn, and it seemed like a great way to catch up on sleep, and just lounge around the house. To quote someone much wiser than me..."The older you get, the more you learn."

To start off with, as is usual, the younger boys were up at the crack of dawn on Christmas day. I distinctly remember the years growing up when I was the same....so it was hard for me to be mad at them. However, as the youngest put it as I came down stairs at 5:15 am, "Look at daddy, he is messed up." Out of the mouth of babes....

Add to this that, ever since the tree hit our house, a couple of the kids have had to sleep on air matresses in the living room. "Guys, it's like camping out every night!!". Unfortunately, one or both of them have frequently made the late night/early morning trek up the stairs to my room. I don't have the heart to march them back down stairs....so I am getting very used to sleeping on the floor. Not really cool for an old fart like me. But, like I said, it is like camping out.

Next, the contractors started repairing our house this week. Each morning they have arrived at around 7:30....sawz-all in hand. Now, these guys are all very nice. And I appreciate their work very much. Just would like for them to have one morning of "slacking off".

Of course, all this added to the standard behavior of the kids being fired up when out of school, and Mrs. WHW taking advantage of my being home to run errands she has been putting off has left me tired and grumpy.

A day of arguing with coworkers about things is sure looking like easy street these days.

Anyway, I am sure by the middle of next week I will be looking back at this week with fondness.....

BTW, check out one of my stocking stuffers. It is cooler than it looks in the picture. Now, all I need is someone wearing a red shirt.....