Goodbye, Old Friend

It is tough saying goodbye to an old friend. One that you grew up with. One that has been there for the tough times as well as the good times.

Unfortunately, as of tonight, I have to say goodbye to one of my best friends.

Goodbye, steak.

I know it seems drastic. But, the deal was sealed tonight. For tonight was son #2's swim team awards banquet. As Mrs. WHW was unable to go, I was going it alone with JL. The program was at a local steak place. Not just any steak place....but one where you pick the steak, you grill the steak, and you eat the steak; along with ample amounts of Texas toast, salad bar, bake potatoes, and Pepsi.

I had not been here for quite some time. I used to love easting here. When I was on my own, and lived off of happy hour food, this place's steak kabobs were the best. Those and the 24 oz beers.

Anyway, tonight I splurged. I got a nice big steak and enjoyed it. Bigger than I probably should have gotten....ok, drop the probably.

Afterwards, I had to run over to Best Buy and to Kroger before arriving home. Unfortunately, about 5 miles from home the human 2 minute warning hit me. JL insisted we drive the remaining miles with the windows down.

When I got home, I power-walked up the stairs. As I blew past Mrs. WHW she snickered and said something about the exhaust fan. The entire walk upstairs is still a blur to me. When you focus every portion of your mind to "flexing" the sphincter, other portions of the brain have to shut down temporarily. Just a fact of anatomy.

I won't go into gory details of the potty time....only to say I was so desperate for reading material that I asked one of the kids to bring in a couple Highlights.

Yes, that is sad.

I can no longer deal with this pain. I must say goodbye to steaks. It hurts to say goodbye, but it hurts more to lose feeling in your feet while going big potty.

Su-Prise

I haven't posted a good bathroom story for a while......

I am in a class this week. The bathroom in the building is shared by three or four classrooms. Since one of the perks of taking a class at this facility is free Mountain Dew, you can imagine I have made frequent trips to the bathroom....taking care of little potty.

Yesterday, as I stood at a urinal, a person from another classroom came in and occupied the other urinal. So far, nothing too eventful.

Then, out of nowhere, the guy rips a nasty sounding fart. Then, almost immediately after the wind breakage he:

1. Said, "Oh Sh*t!"
2. Hastily pulled up his pants
3. Jumped into the bathrooms only stall

From this point, I can only speculate what happened. Since it appeared he was caught off guard by a shart (sh*t + fart), I would bet he either left his grundies in the trash or flushed them.

Dang, I hate it when that happens. But you have got to take any event involving the arse very seriously....even the seemingly harmless toot.

Good rule of thumb for you little leaguers out there.

SOB - A Fresh Start

I blog a lot about bathrooms. It's my thing, my bit, my shtick. It's my area of expertise. And I am a big advocate of sticking to your strengths. So......

Recently, my wife and I had a nice supper out together. No kids, no happy meals, no "mc" on the front of anything. An actual sit down, slow paced meal....with time spent chewing up and tasting the food. It was nice.

What topped the evening off for me was the restaurant's bathroom. I ducked in just before we left. And what I found is something I am growing more and more fond of. The Single Occupancy Bathroom (SOB). The kind that, as you walk in you lock the door. From then until you are completely finished, the room is yours. How great is that????

No sharing of noises or smells.....no uncomfortable urinal chats.....no witnessing of non-washing. Just you, the potty, the urinal, the TP, the sink, and the paper towel/hot air machine. A true sanctuary. Honest to goodness privacy.

Now, I am guessing many of you are hung up on the use of SOB to describe the ultimate dining based commodal experience. Well, I am one who likes to give things a second chance, a fresh start. Why should we stick SOB with only the negative??? Let's show a little love and give the SOB another chance.

Next time you come across a single occupancy bathroom, let the maitre d' know you appreciate the SOB. I am betting he will give you a wink and feel good the rest of the night....and so will you.

Weekends Were Made for Michelob

Weekends (especially summer weekends) are supposed to be easy going, lazy, napfests. Am I right???? My wife does not buy into my definition. She seems to think a weekend is when you "catch up" on things you don't get done during the week. Boy, is she wrong.

Unfortunately, last weekend ended up matching up to her definition more than mine. Permit me to elaborate. Notes: for the sake of this post, I am including Monday in the "weekend". I took Monday off, so it counts.

Saturday

• Our yard has been looking tall lately. The combination of rain, heat, and humid air has given our grass a growth spurt. So, when forced to acknowledge that the yard needed my attention...and that mowing early, before the heat, made sense, I proceeded to mow the part of the yard that could be mowed with the riding mower. 9:00-10:15 shot.
• There is an older farming couple that go to the same church we go to. Over the last couple of years the husband has had double pneumonia...so it is hard for him to help with some of the more strenuous work. That coupled with Mrs. WHW's desire to help everyone in need set me up for a "fun" afternoon. You see, it was time to bale some hay. So, me and JLW ended up "on the farm" helping.
  

Sunday

• Sunday....the day of rest. First, taking everyone to church is challenging. Especially when you hear, at the other end of the pew, the tearing of a page from the hymnal.
• After lunch, it was pointed out to me that I still hadn't push-mowed the remainder of the yard. While mowing I noticed a lot of places where some old fashioned weed pulling was overdue.

Monday

• I needed to drive a couple hours for a business appointment. I had to meet someone at their house to discuss some work stuff. I arrived to a very nice house with a mega cool home-office in the basement. After about 3 hours of meeting, I started regretting the bran muffin I had at Starbucks earlier in the day (btw: Iced Green Tea at Starbucks is awesome). So, I excused myself to this person's immaculate bathroom.....and promptly....filled it to the rim. Then, upon flushing I noticed the toilet's water level rising to alarming levels. I immediately composed myself, turned on the bathroom's exhaust fan (to help conceal anything I needed to do that would produce noise) then looked around for my options. Obviously, I needed to plunge. However, the room had only the special brush...no plunger. Shit!!(literally). I looked in the bathroom closets, in the cabinet, under the sink, everywhere. No plunger. Who has a %$#& bathroom without a plunger?? So, in a MacGyver moment, I used the brush...shoving it into the "tunnel" of the toilet as far as I could without touching water, and started making a plunging motion. After about 15 seconds, the beast (toilet) took a breath, and the water receded.
• On my drive home, I decided to stop at a Wendy's for a quick hamburger. Of course, upon arriving, I headed to the potty (did I mention the iced green tea is strong stuff??). After finishing, as I approached the sink, I saw the obligatory "Employees Must Wash Hands Prior To Returning To Work" sign. I then started washing my hands, only to find the soap dispenser completely dry....apparently dry for some time. Hmmmm. My mind began to analyze the significance of this discovery. Cutting to the chase, I ended up eating at the Dairy Queen next door.

I really hope next weekend is more traditional. However, I just received an email from JLW's swim coach....seems my name is on the list of volunteers for Saturday's big swim meet.
One of these days, Mrs. WHW, to da moon....pow!

If I Sit, I Must Go

A dead laptop power supply has kept me offline this week. While the time away from the computer helped me make time for other, probably more important things, it also made me a bit ansy. Oh, the life of a loser nerd.

Anyway, this post is my attempt to return to my roots....go back to the types of posts that made me famous. For anyone who has read my past efforts, I hope this doesn't disappoint....

The day, Wednesday. The time, 2:00 PM ish. I strolled into the men's restroom to take care of some "little potty". You see, I have started drinking more water (less of my beloved Dew). The result of this dietary change has been more frequent trips to the little programmers room.

As I strolled in, I noticed all of the urinals were occupied. No biggie....still had a couple open stalls. It should be pointed out that I have an issue "standing" in a stall at work. Excessive splashage that potentially could hit my shoes/pants/me has me hesitant to stand. So, upon entering the stall I assumed the sitting position. It was then that an odd thing happened......

After sitting down, I almost immediately began the process of "big potty", even though I had no plan to "big potty" when I entered the restroom; no prior feeling that I needed to do this. It seems my body instinctively excavates whenever it finds itself in a sitting position on porcelin. A form of muscle memory? A victim of environmental programming? Or is it simply because I am a moron?

Regardless of the explanation, am I the only one that has this issue? Although I realize many of the female readers will possibly have a difficult time relating, I am still interested in your thoughts.