Thursday, October 04, 2018

Times Change, And So Should Underwear

I'm getting old.  That's a fact.  And with age, wisdom should follow.  Key word being should.

So, while I struggle to find my wisdom footing, I do believe my age has given me the opportunity to assume the "old man who always says 'remember when'" role.  Yes, the past had its problems.  No time is perfect.  But it sure seems like people were less stressed.  Again, that is through the tainted lense of my old memory.

With that in mind, here's a list of 20 random "remember whens":

  1. Remember when Halloween shopping started after Oct 1st?
  2. And speaking of Halloween, remember when we didn't have the joke of "fun size" candy bars?
  3. Remember when Christmas decorations weren't sold in stores before November 1st?
  4. Remember when the mall was the place to go to shop for things?  
  5. Remember when we had bookstores and record stores? 
  6. Remember when people could disagree, and conduct a civil discussion with each other?  You know...when insane, screaming, swearing people were the "fringe" and those people typically didn't get much attention.  People will always disagree.  That's ok...feeling a need to beat those who disagree with you is not ok.
  7. Remember when Twitter was a great tool for information and a laugh?
  8. Remember when Facebook was great for sharing family pics and reconnecting with old friends?
  9. Remember when music didn't need blank spaces to be played on the radio?
  10. Remember when we used to use the radio to listen to music and baseball games?
  11. Remember when MTV played music videos?  
  12. Remember when we could burn leaves?
  13. Remember when staying at the same employer for your entire career was looked upon (by other people and your employer) as a wonderful accomplishment?
  14. Remember when there were news anchors that weren't concerned so much with their appearance, but about reporting the news accurately?
  15. Remember when a hike in the woods or a walk down a grassy path didn't trigger you to conduct a full body exam, looking for ticks?   #Lyme
  16. Remember when the only "fake news" we dealt with was from the National Enquirer and the Weekly World News?  #BatBoy
  17. Remember when Pabst was a cheap beer, not a trendy beer?
  18. Remember when video games didn't need a rating system?  #Pitfall
  19. Remember Sanka and Tab?
  20. Remember when you could make it through life holding one very simple belief closest to your heart.."Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."?
I understand that life is far more complicated today.  That older, simpler times were not always better times.  But I think we could nudge ourselves back a little and find a much, much better place to be.

Until then, I am going to queue up this movie...because it makes me feel good.   And I have no idea how a movie on Fred Rogers gets a PG-13 rating.

Friday, October 20, 2017

Meet The New Boss - Same As The Old Boss

Remember when this blog used to be your go-to source for juvenile stories focusing on bathroom experiences, weird personal encounters, and animals that spoke?  It's been quiet for a long time.  The hiatus hasn't been because I lacked material.  I continue to be a beacon for the unusual, and I definitely have plenty of new stories about my experiences at work, at home, and in the latrine.  Life just sort of took away my time to put all these out there.  Many of the same people who played roles in my past stories are still around.  Some are sadly gone, other new people (and animals) have joined my journey.

Recently, for a few reasons, I have decided to revisit my self-imposed exile.

  1. My illustrious inventory of past posts has been shared with a new audience, who, for some bizarre reason, seem to enjoy them.
  2. As my kids have grown up, my free time has slowly returned
  3.  My desire to continue to have an online historical record of my "best" moments
Now, armed with a simple Chromebook, a boatload of new stories, and I desire to continue to gather as many head shakes as possible, I am returning to the medium that made me famous.

Some quick post previews:
  1. Male bathroom etiquette, it's real and it's important
  2. You know what's worse than cleaning up dog vomit?  Hint: what other terrible by-product do dogs sometimes eat?
  3. Colorblindness and the stress it creates
  4. Starbucks after 7:45 pm - aka Dark Shadows meets The Twilight Zone near 1313 Mockingbird Lane

Friday, May 08, 2015

Old Techie/Old Tech - A Romance Spanning Years

I have been writing code and loving the tech world since I was a senior in high school, way back in 1981.  My tech back then was a Mattel Football Game, and a Radio Shack TRS80 including the cassette tape input!  Later, I moved up to a Commodore 64, using a version of Turbo Pascal to churn out some beautifully worthless code.  At the time, this was some of the best tech available....at a reasonable price.

Fast forward almost 35 years .....I'm older (much older), but the enjoyment from tech is still strong.  Over the years, an interesting trend has emerged.  While I love to have a big, bad smartphone and a ultra-hd tablet, I seem to enjoy the resuscitation and use of old tech even more.  Ebay, discount tables in office supply stores, and "open box" sales at electronic sections of big department stores have become my must-stop shopping points.    

After much thought, I have come to the conclusion that old tech and I are kindred spirits.  Much like the old vs. new subplot in Wrath of Khan, we both consistently face the same criticisms and doubters. 
  1. He/it is too slow
  2. He/it is too big (actually "heavy", but I prefer to paraphrase)
  3. He/it doesn't have all the features/skills
  4. He/it is just too old-school 
Untrue!  I go to/prefer to be the tested, the experienced, the simple.  I say, embrace the old and the experienced.  Dig that old turd brown Zune out of the junk drawer and give it a charge.  Get that old Kindle out of the box in the basement, and remember all the great books you read on it.  


BTW: This post was typed on a Lenovo S10 Netbook (circa 2008...running Linux Mint), while listening to music (Pandora) on my Blackberry Playbook.  

Suck it, new tech.

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

Please Don't Hurt 'Em, Potty

A long posting drought + a special request from a few very nice people brings us to a new installment of Ask Aunt Potty, hosted by the only online toilet etiquette expert in the world.  Take it away AP.......

Hello one and all.  This is Aunt Potty, your lavatory virtuoso.  I am stepping out of semi-retirement to offer up some commode wisdom.

Today, I want to tackle a particularly delicate topic.....how should one inform others (spouse, coworker, host, etc.) when they need to step away to drop a meadow muffin....in a socially acceptable way.

Many might say you simple excuse yourself, and wander off to take care of business.  WRONG. 

I am here to tell you that words matter....and your choice of words in this situation is extremely critical to ensuring no one is offended, confused, or worried about you.   Many of you either try to dance around the words....or blurt out one of those words that would embarrass a sailor.

As a rule of thumb, the more poetic or cryptic you can be, the better  For example,if you say any of these I promise others around you will be both appreciative as well as amused.....

  1. Pinch a loaf
  2. Sending some boaties to some floaties
  3. Backing the bus out of the garage
  4. Dropping the kids off at the pool
  5. Knitting a brown sweater
  6. Clearing the hallways



On the other hand, use any of these and you will likely find yourself battling the family pet for a place to feed the fish.....

  1. Squeezing a chocolate bar
  2. Go caca
  3. Drop a dime
  4. Copping a squat
  5. Chopping some butt wood
  6. Going logging

These lists are, by no means all inclusive. Please feel free in the comments section to share words you have found to be effective.  I'm sure your fellow PottyHeads will appreciate the sharing.

Until next time....here's hoping you always are successful at taking the browns to the super bowl.

~AP

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Why I Eat Captain Rice Honey Graham Oats Charms Sugar Crisp Cereal

You would think 5 kids and over 22 years of parenting would have made me a brilliant parental strategist....one who would be able to almost effortlessly "work the kids" to achieve a goal.  You would also think, by the age of 50 I would no longer blush when I heard the word "vagina", or laugh every time some uses the word "duty" at work.  Unfortunately, you would be wrong on all thoughts.

As a public service for you soon to be or recent parents, here's an excerpt from my upcoming book (not really) "Why Bad Things Happen To Good Ideas."

Issue - Kids who get up first eat all the "good" cereal, leaving the less sexy cereals for the late risers.   This results in me having to listen to complaints....and having to eat Bran Flakes or Grape Nuts for my breakfast.  Unacceptable. 

Details- Having five boys means you go through a lot of cereal and a lot of milk over the course of a few days.  At the height of consumption (when all boys are home), we probably go through 1-1.5 gallons of milk and 1.5/2 boxes of cereal at a breakfast.  Against the suggestion of my wife, I would typically stock the cupboard with cereals such as "sexy" cereals as Honey Grahams, Oatmeal Squares, Life, Super Sugar Crisp, Captain Crunch, Raisin Bran, and the occasional Quisp.  I would also toss in a Raisin Bran, Grape Nuts, or Rice Chex to keep the sole adult in the family happy.

My Proposed Solution - Emphasize (meaning repeatedly scream) that early risers are not to "finish a box off", but are to leave some for others.  In other words, a box should not be drained until the late risers are up.  At this point, I know what you are thinking.  Did I fire 6 shots or 5....I mean, why didn't I just tell the late risers to get up earlier, which would avoid the issues.  Simple reason why....I am one of the late risers, and there is no way I get up early on the weekend.

Unintended/Undesirable Consequence - Although the "don't drain a box of cereal before 9:30" strategy sounds flawless, and it did result in cereal boxes not being emptied before 9:30, it had an undesirable consequence.  That consequence is that I ended up with 5 boxes of cereals in the cabinet, all with approximately 1.5 teaspoons worth of cereal in them.  The early risers chose to go with the literal interpretation of the law, rather than the spirit of the law.  Yes, the wouldn't technically drain the box.  Yes, there was some left for others.....just not a bowl full....or even barely a spoonful.

Resolution - To avoid the problem, we now buy 4 boxes of identical "healthier" cereals.  No variety, no issues, no fun.

Way to go boys.  Way to ruin it for everyone.  Wonder if anyone would find a box of Frosted Flakes if I hid them in my closet. ** said by the oldest child of the house, me.


Friday, August 23, 2013

Return To The Lavatory

It has been a long, long time since I was here.  If you have been waiting for more stories about poop balls, local vampires or UFO hunters, or any of the other oddness that is my life, your wait is almost over.  I am gathering my notes from the past few years, and will begin sharing again in a few days.

In the meantime, if you would like to follow me on any of the social sites, here's my list:
  1. Twitter: twitter.com/@bwmson
  2. Facebook: facebook.com/bwmson
  3. Google+: +Bill Williamson 
  4. Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/bwmson/
  5. Instagram: http://instagram.com/bwmson#
  6.  Tumblr: http://bwmson.tumblr.com/
I don't post to youtube because I'm too lazy.

More soon.......

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Respect For Spike - Part II

Another brilliant blog post featuring Spike.  This time, debating me.....



Point

Eating Baby Birds is Gross
by WHW
 Spike, I go out of my way to buy you healthy food. The vet has said it should be good tasting (have no idea how she knows that). Yes, I know I tried Walmart's Old Roy, but I got the message when you knocked your bowl over 3 days in a row.

So why do you still feel compelled to eat baby birds? You can't be hungry. I make sure you have plenty every night. I frequently give you a treat for walks that are uneventful. I know the boys sneak additional helpings of food to you during the day.

So what gives?

Yesterday evening, when I went out and saw you chomping down on those baby birds, I thought I was going to lose it. Just because they fell out of the nest doesn't mean you have to eat them.

That is just gross, dude.



CounterPoint
Damn, You Are A Huge Puss!
By Spike
 Before I start, I want it known that I do not like the fact that I am getting second billing in the title. WHW, do you think people are now coming here in droves to read you?? Yea, right. Next, I want to call out my fav librarian. Hey, CL....I dig your mentions for the Spikester. Keep it real (and put me in your next Tour!)

Now, let's address your stupid point, WHW. First, the vet may claim this dog food tastes good, but I am here to say it sucks....no, it sucks monsters. It smells like the dumb cats' liter box....and tastes like packing peanuts, sticks, and slugs. I eat it because I don't find starving to death all that appealing. However, you bring back the Ol' Roy shit and I may revisit my position on starving.

As for the birds...I have given you this lecturer over and over. It is the freakin circle of life. Remember Lion King??? Remember Mufasa explaining to Simba how important all of nature's creatures are? Well, this is the circle of life in 3-D, buddy. Get used to it. The birds lay too many eggs. The nest is too crowded. Too many baby birds in the nest. Some fall out. Spike gets something to eat that resembles normal food. Nice tight circle, isn't it Marlin Perkins?

I will tell you what is gross. The bathroom story you told me Tuesday night on our walk. I really do not want to know about your stall neighor's gas that could peel paint. Now that is gross....even to an animal that eats his own poo.

Next time you get ill watching me eat a bird I suggest you go back inside and stick your pacifier back into your mouth.

WHW = Huge Puss.

Times Change, And So Should Underwear

I'm getting old.  That's a fact.  And with age, wisdom should follow.  Key word being should. So, while I struggle to find my wisd...