Friday, October 20, 2017

Meet The New Boss - Same As The Old Boss

Remember when this blog used to be your go-to source for juvenile stories focusing on bathroom experiences, weird personal encounters, and animals that spoke?  It's been quiet for a long time.  The hiatus hasn't been because I lacked material.  I continue to be a beacon for the unusual, and I definitely have plenty of new stories about my experiences at work, at home, and in the latrine.  Life just sort of took away my time to put all these out there.  Many of the same people who played roles in my past stories are still around.  Some are sadly gone, other new people (and animals) have joined my journey.

Recently, for a few reasons, I have decided to revisit my self-imposed exile.

  1. My illustrious inventory of past posts has been shared with a new audience, who, for some bizarre reason, seem to enjoy them.
  2. As my kids have grown up, my free time has slowly returned
  3.  My desire to continue to have an online historical record of my "best" moments
Now, armed with a simple Chromebook, a boatload of new stories, and I desire to continue to gather as many head shakes as possible, I am returning to the medium that made me famous.

Some quick post previews:
  1. Male bathroom etiquette, it's real and it's important
  2. You know what's worse than cleaning up dog vomit?  Hint: what other terrible by-product do dogs sometimes eat?
  3. Colorblindness and the stress it creates
  4. Starbucks after 7:45 pm - aka Dark Shadows meets The Twilight Zone near 1313 Mockingbird Lane

Friday, May 08, 2015

Old Techie/Old Tech - A Romance Spanning Years

I have been writing code and loving the tech world since I was a senior in high school, way back in 1981.  My tech back then was a Mattel Football Game, and a Radio Shack TRS80 including the cassette tape input!  Later, I moved up to a Commodore 64, using a version of Turbo Pascal to churn out some beautifully worthless code.  At the time, this was some of the best tech available....at a reasonable price.

Fast forward almost 35 years .....I'm older (much older), but the enjoyment from tech is still strong.  Over the years, an interesting trend has emerged.  While I love to have a big, bad smartphone and a ultra-hd tablet, I seem to enjoy the resuscitation and use of old tech even more.  Ebay, discount tables in office supply stores, and "open box" sales at electronic sections of big department stores have become my must-stop shopping points.    

After much thought, I have come to the conclusion that old tech and I are kindred spirits.  Much like the old vs. new subplot in Wrath of Khan, we both consistently face the same criticisms and doubters. 
  1. He/it is too slow
  2. He/it is too big (actually "heavy", but I prefer to paraphrase)
  3. He/it doesn't have all the features/skills
  4. He/it is just too old-school 
Untrue!  I go to/prefer to be the tested, the experienced, the simple.  I say, embrace the old and the experienced.  Dig that old turd brown Zune out of the junk drawer and give it a charge.  Get that old Kindle out of the box in the basement, and remember all the great books you read on it.  


BTW: This post was typed on a Lenovo S10 Netbook (circa 2008...running Linux Mint), while listening to music (Pandora) on my Blackberry Playbook.  

Suck it, new tech.

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

Please Don't Hurt 'Em, Potty

A long posting drought + a special request from a few very nice people brings us to a new installment of Ask Aunt Potty, hosted by the only online toilet etiquette expert in the world.  Take it away AP.......

Hello one and all.  This is Aunt Potty, your lavatory virtuoso.  I am stepping out of semi-retirement to offer up some commode wisdom.

Today, I want to tackle a particularly delicate topic.....how should one inform others (spouse, coworker, host, etc.) when they need to step away to drop a meadow muffin....in a socially acceptable way.

Many might say you simple excuse yourself, and wander off to take care of business.  WRONG. 

I am here to tell you that words matter....and your choice of words in this situation is extremely critical to ensuring no one is offended, confused, or worried about you.   Many of you either try to dance around the words....or blurt out one of those words that would embarrass a sailor.

As a rule of thumb, the more poetic or cryptic you can be, the better  For example,if you say any of these I promise others around you will be both appreciative as well as amused.....

  1. Pinch a loaf
  2. Sending some boaties to some floaties
  3. Backing the bus out of the garage
  4. Dropping the kids off at the pool
  5. Knitting a brown sweater
  6. Clearing the hallways



On the other hand, use any of these and you will likely find yourself battling the family pet for a place to feed the fish.....

  1. Squeezing a chocolate bar
  2. Go caca
  3. Drop a dime
  4. Copping a squat
  5. Chopping some butt wood
  6. Going logging

These lists are, by no means all inclusive. Please feel free in the comments section to share words you have found to be effective.  I'm sure your fellow PottyHeads will appreciate the sharing.

Until next time....here's hoping you always are successful at taking the browns to the super bowl.

~AP

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Why I Eat Captain Rice Honey Graham Oats Charms Sugar Crisp Cereal

You would think 5 kids and over 22 years of parenting would have made me a brilliant parental strategist....one who would be able to almost effortlessly "work the kids" to achieve a goal.  You would also think, by the age of 50 I would no longer blush when I heard the word "vagina", or laugh every time some uses the word "duty" at work.  Unfortunately, you would be wrong on all thoughts.

As a public service for you soon to be or recent parents, here's an excerpt from my upcoming book (not really) "Why Bad Things Happen To Good Ideas."

Issue - Kids who get up first eat all the "good" cereal, leaving the less sexy cereals for the late risers.   This results in me having to listen to complaints....and having to eat Bran Flakes or Grape Nuts for my breakfast.  Unacceptable. 

Details- Having five boys means you go through a lot of cereal and a lot of milk over the course of a few days.  At the height of consumption (when all boys are home), we probably go through 1-1.5 gallons of milk and 1.5/2 boxes of cereal at a breakfast.  Against the suggestion of my wife, I would typically stock the cupboard with cereals such as "sexy" cereals as Honey Grahams, Oatmeal Squares, Life, Super Sugar Crisp, Captain Crunch, Raisin Bran, and the occasional Quisp.  I would also toss in a Raisin Bran, Grape Nuts, or Rice Chex to keep the sole adult in the family happy.

My Proposed Solution - Emphasize (meaning repeatedly scream) that early risers are not to "finish a box off", but are to leave some for others.  In other words, a box should not be drained until the late risers are up.  At this point, I know what you are thinking.  Did I fire 6 shots or 5....I mean, why didn't I just tell the late risers to get up earlier, which would avoid the issues.  Simple reason why....I am one of the late risers, and there is no way I get up early on the weekend.

Unintended/Undesirable Consequence - Although the "don't drain a box of cereal before 9:30" strategy sounds flawless, and it did result in cereal boxes not being emptied before 9:30, it had an undesirable consequence.  That consequence is that I ended up with 5 boxes of cereals in the cabinet, all with approximately 1.5 teaspoons worth of cereal in them.  The early risers chose to go with the literal interpretation of the law, rather than the spirit of the law.  Yes, the wouldn't technically drain the box.  Yes, there was some left for others.....just not a bowl full....or even barely a spoonful.

Resolution - To avoid the problem, we now buy 4 boxes of identical "healthier" cereals.  No variety, no issues, no fun.

Way to go boys.  Way to ruin it for everyone.  Wonder if anyone would find a box of Frosted Flakes if I hid them in my closet. ** said by the oldest child of the house, me.


Friday, August 23, 2013

Return To The Lavatory

It has been a long, long time since I was here.  If you have been waiting for more stories about poop balls, local vampires or UFO hunters, or any of the other oddness that is my life, your wait is almost over.  I am gathering my notes from the past few years, and will begin sharing again in a few days.

In the meantime, if you would like to follow me on any of the social sites, here's my list:
  1. Twitter: twitter.com/@bwmson
  2. Facebook: facebook.com/bwmson
  3. Google+: +Bill Williamson 
  4. Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/bwmson/
  5. Instagram: http://instagram.com/bwmson#
  6.  Tumblr: http://bwmson.tumblr.com/
I don't post to youtube because I'm too lazy.

More soon.......

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Respect For Spike - Part II

Another brilliant blog post featuring Spike.  This time, debating me.....



Point

Eating Baby Birds is Gross
by WHW
 Spike, I go out of my way to buy you healthy food. The vet has said it should be good tasting (have no idea how she knows that). Yes, I know I tried Walmart's Old Roy, but I got the message when you knocked your bowl over 3 days in a row.

So why do you still feel compelled to eat baby birds? You can't be hungry. I make sure you have plenty every night. I frequently give you a treat for walks that are uneventful. I know the boys sneak additional helpings of food to you during the day.

So what gives?

Yesterday evening, when I went out and saw you chomping down on those baby birds, I thought I was going to lose it. Just because they fell out of the nest doesn't mean you have to eat them.

That is just gross, dude.



CounterPoint
Damn, You Are A Huge Puss!
By Spike
 Before I start, I want it known that I do not like the fact that I am getting second billing in the title. WHW, do you think people are now coming here in droves to read you?? Yea, right. Next, I want to call out my fav librarian. Hey, CL....I dig your mentions for the Spikester. Keep it real (and put me in your next Tour!)

Now, let's address your stupid point, WHW. First, the vet may claim this dog food tastes good, but I am here to say it sucks....no, it sucks monsters. It smells like the dumb cats' liter box....and tastes like packing peanuts, sticks, and slugs. I eat it because I don't find starving to death all that appealing. However, you bring back the Ol' Roy shit and I may revisit my position on starving.

As for the birds...I have given you this lecturer over and over. It is the freakin circle of life. Remember Lion King??? Remember Mufasa explaining to Simba how important all of nature's creatures are? Well, this is the circle of life in 3-D, buddy. Get used to it. The birds lay too many eggs. The nest is too crowded. Too many baby birds in the nest. Some fall out. Spike gets something to eat that resembles normal food. Nice tight circle, isn't it Marlin Perkins?

I will tell you what is gross. The bathroom story you told me Tuesday night on our walk. I really do not want to know about your stall neighor's gas that could peel paint. Now that is gross....even to an animal that eats his own poo.

Next time you get ill watching me eat a bird I suggest you go back inside and stick your pacifier back into your mouth.

WHW = Huge Puss.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Respect for Spike - Part I

As many know, my long time buddy Spike passed away this week.  Out of respect for Spike, I am going to repost a few of the blog entries he wrote.

Here's to Spike.....hopefully off chasing rabbits.....

Here is his first post.......



Woof Woof


My recent blogging has worn me out. However, I do not want to let all of my fans down. I know I promised to blog every night this week....but I think Friday is going to be tough.

So, I have asked the family dog, Spike, to blog for me this time (please count this as Friday's entry). I bought and installed a canine font from Petco so everyone could understand him. He has been told that he can talk about anything he likes. Take it away Spike......

Hello there everyone. As WHW pointed out, my name is Spike. I have been with the family for many years. A little background on me....I'm a mutt. I am approximately 2 feet tall, and a svelte 50 pounds.

As WHW heads to the living room to rest his little eyes, let me outline the theme for today...WHW is a jerk. Hold on now. Before you kick into the "...but Spike, don't you think you are being a little tough on him" routine, let me state my case.

Point #1: He THINKS he is funny. For example, as he walked away from the computer he joked about my lack of opposable thumbs. Something about how slow I will type bacause of it. Hey, hunt-n-peck boy. I bet I can type faster than you with one paw tied behind my back. Heck, you don't even use your precious thumbs when you type. Dork.

Point #2: He THINKS he knows what is best for me. Last year, at the vet, he was told I was getting a bit heavy. My defense...muscle is heavier than fat. Anyway, Nerd-boy goes out and buys a special dietary dog food. Let me tell you, regular dog food is tolerable. This stuff was just this side of foam, sticks, and pebbles. Nice. I started getting used to it, thanks to the kids. WHW left the food bag on the floor. Whenever the boys would walk by, they would give "Old Spike" another scope full. Then, four-eyes comments that I look even heavier, and figures out how I'm getting my extra Carbs. He then puts the bag high up on the shelf. Nice way to treat man's best friend.

Point #3: His inane stories. He walks me every night, which is good. Unfortunately, he tells me these stupid stories as we walk. Probably 75% of them are about some bizarre thing that happened to him in the bathroom. I'm pretty sure the only reason he is telling me these stories is because Mrs. WHW finally got tired of them. I got news for WHW, it ain't normal for one person to have so many bathroom stories. Dude, keep your head down as you go in, do your business and get the heck out of there. Enough about the poop balls. If I hear that story one more time, I am going to gouge my eardrums out with a milkbone.

Point #4: He TRYS to be tough with me. A couple nights ago, I was in a barking mood. I am a dog. That's what we do. Also, I really wanted to spend the night outside. Well, about 2:00 AM nerdlinger comes downstairs, wearing his Napoleon Dynamite T-shirt and his Spongebob shorts and tells me to cool it. That night I wasn't buying it. Heck, I know very few members of the animal kingdom that would be afraid of someone wearing that get-up....possibly a hampster...a little hampster. Anyway, I wait for roughly 20 minutes, just long enough for Rip Van Winkle to get back to sleep, then I tear loose a series of barks that impressed even me. You would have thought the house was being invaded. Well, WHW comes downstairs again, pillow-head and all, and tells me I am outside for the night. News flash geek, that's what I wanted. Check and Mate to Spike.

Point #5: The cats. A couple years ago we had a few mice in the garage. No big deal....at least I didn't think it was. Well, WHW decided we needed a couple cats. What that means is, he watched a bunch of Tom and Jerry cartoons and decided cats would be cool. He was wrong. The first time one of them rubbed against me, I let them know in clear terms that they were not part of my family. Oh, they are clever. The other day one comes over to my water dish. Poor pussycat was thirsty. One backhand later, pussycat is not thirsty. I didn't notice WHW standing near by. The %^$# cat did. WHW comes over and tells me to back off. Whatever. Dumb cats.

Now, I'm sure he has told everyone how he is a nerd, how he is a loose cannon, how funny he is. I'm here to set the story straight. WHW has his good moments...like when he is feeding me, brushing me, and walking me....and when he is sleeping. But overall, he is enough to drive a dog to drink.

Well, I better sign off. My paws are tired. Besides, I think I see one of the cats nosing around my Snausages.

Later peeps. Peace out.


Meet The New Boss - Same As The Old Boss

Remember when this blog used to be your go-to source for juvenile stories focusing on bathroom experiences, weird personal encounters, and a...