Sunday, May 02, 2021

Mountain Dew, Why Do You Hate Me?

 For most of my life (a lengthy bit of time) I have been a passionate supporter of Mountain Dew.  To apply a time filter to this statement, I clearly remember buying a green glass bottle of ice cold Dew for a dime.  It looked like this Old Dew Bottle.  16 glorious ounces of goodness.

So what's my beef?  Is it...

  1. All the goofy flavors they have added?  Nope.  Not even the Baja Blast at Taco Bell.
  2. The new branding?  Nope
  3. The Dew "energy drinks"? - Nope


What really Grinds My Gears is the virtual impossibility of finding the "Real Sugar Dew"...aka Throwback.

When Throwback was introduced several years ago as a "Limited Release" offering, I would hoard those cases, hoping it would hold me over until the next year's release.  When I would visit relatives in Louisville, I found a Walgreens (or maybe a CVS) that carried lots of Throwback bottles.  How wonderful that was.  I'm sure there many will try to point out that there is no significant difference Dew made with real sugar and Dew made with high fructose corn syrup.  I support your freedom to claim this...but as a Dew expert, I can tell you that you are wrong.  

Several years ago, Throwback moved from limited time availability to standard release, right next to normal Dew.  The can of Throwback, permanently donned with the awesome hillbilly label, was there whenever I wanted it.  Granted, the bottles of it were difficult to find...but the world just felt right.  

Fast forward to several pandemic months ago...and to my surprise, there was no Throwback at any of my normal sources.  I tried to hold it together, thinking it was a temporary victim of Covid-adjusted production.  But I learned that, for some reason, Throwback was discontinued.  But, you could purchase "Mountain Dew Real Sugar" (the stores must have been clearing out inventory over the months previous to the switch).  Yes, the branding for it sucked---I want the hillbilly.  But at least I had hope.  

That hope, over the last few months has turned to shopping stress.  Yes, there are plenty of cases of Pepsi Real Sugar at stores...but almost no Dew Real Sugar anywhere  Plenty of Dew Zero...both in stores in bottles on in the coolers of gas stations and convenience stores.  But NO DEW REAL SUGAR.  WHY????!!!!????  I frequently search online before going out to stores, seeing if any of them have Real Sugar Dew.  Most do not...but will claim to have it "in stock".  No one likes a tease, retailers.

The pinnacle of my pain happened last week.  As I had a multiple day drive from Illinois to Washington DC and back I had this vision that "the next place I stopped at would have it".  Each stop at a gas station in Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Maryland, and Washington DC gave me hope.  Hope somewhere along the path someone had the common decency to stock at least on column of Real Sugar/Throwback.  But no....none was found.  I heard from several.. "Just buy a regular Dew".  No!

I ask for very little in my life.  I try to display strong brand loyalty, showing those who create products I like the consumer love it deserves.  But this is taxing me to a difficult point.  No, I don't want regular Dew.  No, I do not want Dew zero.  And hell no, I do not want to drink Mello Yello.  Come on.

All I ask is for some respect and come consideration from Pepsico.  Show this Dew lover some kindness.  Help me find the yellow brick road to Dew made with real sugar.   Why do you make me beg?  Even 50+ year Dew drinkers have pride.

Here's to you, Throwback.  You were that wonderful product that comes around once or twice in a lifetime.  

A Throwback from many years ago





Wednesday, October 30, 2019

I Regret (Almost) Nothing

I have a problem.

A problem with candy.  And this time of year is the worst time for my problem.  Worse than Christmas, worse than Easter.  For Halloween candy is more diverse and abundant in extremely large bags than that of other holidays.

 How bad is my problem?  Let's use this year to demonstrate how bad it is.  Keep in mind, of the five kids we have, only one still lives at home.  So this is almost all on me.


  • October 5th - While making my almost daily run to the grocery store, I find the bags of  caramel cubes.  These are the gateway Halloween candy.  I grabbed a couple bags, as one was needed for a recipe.  Why did I buy two instead of the one on my grocery list?  Because I almost always pad any item count on our grocery list.  If I don't pad, I inevitably have to go back to get more of something.
  • Surprisingly/sadly, one was actually the correct number of bags that were needed.  So, once the recipe was made (evening of October 6th), I began slowly devouring the second bag.  With the bag being stashed on a kitchen shelf which was situated on a direct path between the living room and the downstairs bathroom, I found myself loitering around the bathroom area pretty regularly.  Grab a couple cubes, move on...
  • October 9th - I purchased two more bags of caramels, for no reason other than to eat the cubes.  The facade of buying them for cooking was coming down.  This batch lasted 5 days.
  • October 18th - In a new ploy, I bought two bags of candy "In preparation for Halloween".  Bought a bag of Twix and a bag of 3 Musketeers.  I did this knowing no one in the house likes 3 Musketeers except me.
  • October 23rd - I buy a big bag of baby sized bags of M & M's.  Roughly 70% of the little bags are now gone.  I need "comfort food" at work.  And candy there is just too darn expensive.
  • October 26th - I bought 4 bags of Halloween candy, since we didn't have any and Halloween was "just around the corner".  This time I tossed in a big bag of Starbursts to go with bags of Snickers, Kit Kats, Reeses cups, and Nerds.  Adding in some of the non-chocolate goodies.  Three of those bags are opened, with the Starbursts taking the biggest hit.
  • October 30th - I came home tonight with 5 more bags of candy.  More 3 Musketeers, more Snickers, bag of 100 Grands (aka $100,000 bars), a big bag of Crunch bars, and a bag of Milky Way bars.  I did this while fully aware that tomorrow's forecast here is for sleet/snow/rain, 30 mph winds, and 22 degrees for a low.  The chances we have more than a dozen trick-or-treaters tomorrow night is pretty slim.  
Unfortunately, an insert in today's local paper had an ad from a nearby store for 55% off all candy, starting tomorrow.  The only question is, will they still have bags of Tootsie Pops and Butterfinger bars when I get there?  I sure hope so.  I don't want to have to drive around town on Halloween evening.  I have candy to eat give out.



Friday, October 18, 2019

The Return of Potty?

Hello, hello, one and all.  This is your Aunt Potty, once again blugging from the wonderful CiderSpace.

I'm sure most of you have forgotten about me.  It has been quite a while since I last posted some thoughts on powder room etiquette.   Before we get going, here's a short summary of me, from a long-ago post:
  • I am 4'5"
  • No, my hair is not blue
  • I won't tell you my age, but as a hint, I do remember using an out-house and the Sears catalog (not just to read)
  • I attended a one room school house where I learned the 3 R's....reading, wRiting, and rectum (goodness, can I say rectum???)
  • I married at 19 to my school sweetheart, John Potty. John was a true gentleman in almost every regard....except for the flatulence/bed covers thing. I believe the term is "dutch oven". You kids today and your terms.
  • John died in a tragic gas related accident. Methane is an awful, awful thing.
  • I love to read...I read everywhere. However, once a book crosses the line into the bathroom, it stays there.
  • I had nine brothers....and our house had one bathroom
  • Because of the number of brothers I had, I decided to dedicate my life to proper manners related to the bathroom.
  • I have written two books which are unfortunately out of print. They were entitled "Dirty Hands, Evil Hands" and "Excuse Me, This Isn't a Zoo!"
  • To me, the two worse things to do in the bathroom are 1) not wash up afterwards 2) leave a nasty "tootsie roll" behind for the next occupant. Sweet mother of the throne, those things are an awful discovery.
  • I love my rocking chair.
  • My favorite color is yellow.
  • My favorite movie is, believe it or not, Lethal Weapon 2.
  • I think Dear Abbey is smug....as is that Bill O'Reilly
  • I have approx. 30 cats.
  • My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving
  • I can't stand any music but hair band music. Long live Dokken!!!
  • I drive a Trans Am much like that frisky Burt Reynolds drove in "Smokey and the Bandit".  May Burt rest in peace.
And in case anyone is wondering, I sadly had my Twitter account suspended.  Those turd-heads claim I violated one or more of their policies.  I guess their precious platform cannot handle frank talk about stink pickles, and the like.  Quite frankly, I don't want to be part of a social network where we can't talk openly about stinkable Molly Browns or eskimo popsicles.  

With all that out of the way, here is this post's viewer question:  

"Dear P Dog, I have a couple coworkers who have an annoying habit.  These coworkers prefer to 'small potty' standing in stalls rather than at urinals.  That doesn't bother me.  However, they NEVER latch the stall door when they go in to drain the spuds.  Since neither worker is particularly tall, on more than one occasion I have stormed into a stall, mid pee, which completely annoys me.  Am I being too sensitive?  Thanks.  - J Wizz".

Thanks for the question, Mr. Wizz.  Your coworkers are definitely not being good community wee wee-ers.  You should be able to confidently navigate a bathroom at work with no worries of seeing a coworker, sword in hand.  I suggest breaking them of the habit much like I would one of my cats who might have a bad habit. Carefully stalk each coworker, waiting for them to enter a stall.  Once they have, and trouw has been dropped, violently kick open the door and scream, "Latch the damn door!!".  After a couple of these reminders, I promise you they will remember to hook the door.  In fact, they will also likely learn to pee with one foot on the ground and the other behind them, firmly against the door.  One suggestion...you may want to wear some protective clothing around our pants and shoes when you engage them.  A stream will likely head your way when you kick the door in.  #ProTip.  Hope this helps.

With that, I bid everyone a farewell.  Until next time, best of luck in the land of porcelain.  

~ A. Potty

Friday, August 02, 2019

Q: How do you study for a DNA test? A: Highlight the answers with a genetic marker

Genetics is defined as "The study of heredity."

When you know a person and that person's parents (and any siblings), you get a deep appreciation of how heredity works.  You see the traits being passed down...how two very unique people passed on qualities/traits/behaviors/etc. to their children, and how those qualities are blended to make another completely unique person.

From my various biology classes, I have a fundamental understanding of the concepts of dominant traits vs recessive traits, mutations, genotype vs phenotype.  On a side note, from my 1 semester of meteorology, I know what a mid-latitude cyclone is.  Hashtag that #Impressive as well as #CliffClaven.

Interestingly, it seems to be more challenging for me to see the qualities I have passed down to my own children than it is to see those my friends have passed on to their children.  However, sometimes those qualities are just so obvious, there is really no way to miss them.  And with me being blessed with 5 kids, I have a lot of opportunities to look for what I contributed to each.

Fortunately for my kids, they got their looks and communication skills from their mom.  Kids were speaking at a very young ages...and are all handsome young men.  I am assuming a genetic test would indicate my wife has "ultra-dominate" genes for those two traits.  Ultra-dominant genes not only suppress the recessive genes, they kick their asses to the cheap part of the nucleus.

As a brief read of the bulk of my posts here would indicate, I live for humor and the ability to laugh.  It looks like that quality has started manifesting itself in some of my kids.  Take my oldest (please #HennyYoungman).  He and a very good friend of his have a humorous, entertaining, and unique podcast.  If you even remotely like what I write, or wonder what a younger version of me could possibly be like, I strongly recommend their podcast.  Here are the links:

Podcast Name: The Inside Joke
Spotify Link
iTunes Link

Or use your favorite podcast aggregator to find it.

If you are looking for 30 - 60 minutes of entertainment, give them a listen.  If you ever talk to them, please tell them the old man sent you.




Friday, July 26, 2019

Updates Galore

Let's fire up the old tin Lizzie and go for another spin.

Yes, I have said I was going to start posting in the past...and yes, I haven't.  But this time I *really* mean it.  Really.

I think it would be best to start off with a series of updates on where I have been, what has happened, and what has kept me so busy.  Some of these things happened while I was away...some right before I stopped posting.  This is not an all-encompassing list:
  1. 2 of my kids graduated from college.  2 are currently attending college.  1 will be a senior in high school this fall.  Yes, I have no money...but my grocery bill has started creeping back down in to the "normal" zone.  For example, I no longer have to buy 10 gallons of milk a week.
  2. We moved from a very small town (3,000) to a medium small town (150,000).  
  3. We lost both Spike the dog, and Cash the cat.  We did pick up Goldie, the insane dog.   You will learn more about her in future posts.
  4. Still work at the same company.  Next year I will celebrate my 35th anniversary there.  
  5. While some of the people I work with have changed, a few remain the same.  And, as you could probably figure out by the anniversary number, I continue to work with wonderful, fun people.
  6. I officially crossed the first line in the retirement marathon.  Double nickels last year.  If only the math would say I could retire early (even though I like the people I work with, retirement sounds really good).
  7. I have quite a bit less hair.  And the hair that decided to stick around has chosen gray as its preferred color.
  8. Celebrated my 30th wedding anniversary.  Proof my wife is a patient person who has a high level of tolerance for large kids who refuse to mature.
  9. Still have swimmers in the family
  10. My family has endured (and continues to endure) a few health battles.  Not unlike just about any family on the planet.
  11. I can still be found on social media.  My favorites are Twitter and Instagram.
  12. I have made several trips (some for work, some personal).  Destinations have included:
    • Orlando/Winter Haven
    • Dallas
    • Phoenix
    • Galena, IL
    • Indianapolis
    • San Diego (My favorite place)
    • Chicago
    • Bakersfield
    • Pleasant Prairie, WI
    • South Bend, IN
    • Louisville, KY
    • Cleveland, MS
    • Crawfordsville/Rockville, IN
    • West Lafayette, IN
    • Urbana, IL
    • Bloomington, IN 
So, to sum it up...I have been busy, experienced some big changes/also seen many things remain the same; life has been good to me.

I have started a couple draft posts to follow this one, so hopefully that will keep me true to the promise to post with some regularity.

I will leave you with a wonderful joke I once read on the wall of a boy's bathroom in a high school for which I was the janitor:

Q: What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
A: They both wipe the klingons off Uranus.

Brilliant

Thursday, October 04, 2018

Times Change, And So Should Underwear

I'm getting old.  That's a fact.  And with age, wisdom should follow.  Key word being should.

So, while I struggle to find my wisdom footing, I do believe my age has given me the opportunity to assume the "old man who always says 'remember when'" role.  Yes, the past had its problems.  No time is perfect.  But it sure seems like people were less stressed.  Again, that is through the tainted lense of my old memory.

With that in mind, here's a list of 20 random "remember whens":

  1. Remember when Halloween shopping started after Oct 1st?
  2. And speaking of Halloween, remember when we didn't have the joke of "fun size" candy bars?
  3. Remember when Christmas decorations weren't sold in stores before November 1st?
  4. Remember when the mall was the place to go to shop for things?  
  5. Remember when we had bookstores and record stores? 
  6. Remember when people could disagree, and conduct a civil discussion with each other?  You know...when insane, screaming, swearing people were the "fringe" and those people typically didn't get much attention.  People will always disagree.  That's ok...feeling a need to beat those who disagree with you is not ok.
  7. Remember when Twitter was a great tool for information and a laugh?
  8. Remember when Facebook was great for sharing family pics and reconnecting with old friends?
  9. Remember when music didn't need blank spaces to be played on the radio?
  10. Remember when we used to use the radio to listen to music and baseball games?
  11. Remember when MTV played music videos?  
  12. Remember when we could burn leaves?
  13. Remember when staying at the same employer for your entire career was looked upon (by other people and your employer) as a wonderful accomplishment?
  14. Remember when there were news anchors that weren't concerned so much with their appearance, but about reporting the news accurately?
  15. Remember when a hike in the woods or a walk down a grassy path didn't trigger you to conduct a full body exam, looking for ticks?   #Lyme
  16. Remember when the only "fake news" we dealt with was from the National Enquirer and the Weekly World News?  #BatBoy
  17. Remember when Pabst was a cheap beer, not a trendy beer?
  18. Remember when video games didn't need a rating system?  #Pitfall
  19. Remember Sanka and Tab?
  20. Remember when you could make it through life holding one very simple belief closest to your heart.."Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."?
I understand that life is far more complicated today.  That older, simpler times were not always better times.  But I think we could nudge ourselves back a little and find a much, much better place to be.

Until then, I am going to queue up this movie...because it makes me feel good.   And I have no idea how a movie on Fred Rogers gets a PG-13 rating.

Friday, October 20, 2017

Meet The New Boss - Same As The Old Boss

Remember when this blog used to be your go-to source for juvenile stories focusing on bathroom experiences, weird personal encounters, and animals that spoke?  It's been quiet for a long time.  The hiatus hasn't been because I lacked material.  I continue to be a beacon for the unusual, and I definitely have plenty of new stories about my experiences at work, at home, and in the latrine.  Life just sort of took away my time to put all these out there.  Many of the same people who played roles in my past stories are still around.  Some are sadly gone, other new people (and animals) have joined my journey.

Recently, for a few reasons, I have decided to revisit my self-imposed exile.

  1. My illustrious inventory of past posts has been shared with a new audience, who, for some bizarre reason, seem to enjoy them.
  2. As my kids have grown up, my free time has slowly returned
  3.  My desire to continue to have an online historical record of my "best" moments
Now, armed with a simple Chromebook, a boatload of new stories, and I desire to continue to gather as many head shakes as possible, I am returning to the medium that made me famous.

Some quick post previews:
  1. Male bathroom etiquette, it's real and it's important
  2. You know what's worse than cleaning up dog vomit?  Hint: what other terrible by-product do dogs sometimes eat?
  3. Colorblindness and the stress it creates
  4. Starbucks after 7:45 pm - aka Dark Shadows meets The Twilight Zone near 1313 Mockingbird Lane

Mountain Dew, Why Do You Hate Me?

 For most of my life (a lengthy bit of time) I have been a passionate supporter of Mountain Dew.  To apply a time filter to this statement, ...