Friday, October 14, 2011

Cooking Utensil or Torture Device

To paraphrase Nixon, I am not a cook.

Looking back at my bachelor days, I think I lived over a year primarily on Hormel canned chili, the occasional Domino's pizza, and the old fashioned popcorn you used to make on the stove's burner (think big puffy aluminum foil bag). The only equipment I needed in the kitchen was a fork, both a big spoon and a little spoon, a butter knife, a bowl, and a pan to warm said chili in.

Leap many years to the current. While I still am no cook, I have expanded my skills to also include frozen bagel dogs, mac-n-cheese, and fried bologna (my all time personal fav). My wife, on the other hand, is a great cook who has invested much into some pretty cool cooking equipment. Everything from multiple sets of measuring cups, a high powered mixer, lots of spatulas, and this little son of a bitch.


I only have a vague idea what this thing is used for (at least in the kitchen).....but I hate it with a passion.

This deep rooted hatred has been generated over time by the repeated blocking of any utensil drawer I put this thing in. I can put it in with the curly crap to the back of the drawer....to the front of the drawer, curly crap down, curly crap up, across the damn drawer....it does not matter. It will ALWAYS block the drawer from opening.

The drawer can be half full, 3/4 empty, a foot deep. It does not matter.

My reaction is always the same when I try opening the drawer once my little friend here has worked his magic....
  1. I gently close then attempt to reopen, thinking something magical happened and the utensil has, under its own power, dislodged itself
  2. I then open as far as I can, and try wedging my hand into the drawer trying to find the blockage. This only results in the unfortunate discovery of a nasty, flat, sharp ice cream scoop that has been placed in the drawer without my knowledge.
  3. I then attempt to violently open the drawer multiple times thinking I will man-handle the little piece of......plastic. Never works.
  4. I then ask my wife to dislodge it, which she can usually do in about 4 seconds. She has long fingers...says it helped her be a good piano player. I really have no idea what she is talking about.
I typically go through all this torture just so I can get the bottle opener...for I have a premium bottle of beer whose cap cannot be unscrewed.

I have never seen my wife use this device, have never seen another in a store, never seen Bobby Flay use one.

My only conclusion is that this is a tool left here by the devil. Placed in my house to tempt me....lure me into using the vocabulary of a long shoreman.

Satan, you are a clever beast. No wonder Eve ate that apple.

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