Monday, December 11, 2006

Quick, Deep Question

This is one of those questions that probably doesn't have an answer. I'm going to drop it out here because anyone who reads this blog MUST have an advanced intellect.

First, set up.....Every year in May and December, I trek down to my home town to put some sort of wreath/basket on my parents' grave and my sister's grave. It is a two hour drive to the cemetary....then two back. Gives me a lot of time to think. This time I started wondering:

Why do I feel compelled to do this???? Heck, I even start feeling guilty if I don't make the trip.

My faith tells me that they aren't there. I stand in the cemetary, looking at the tombstones and reflect.

I don't do it so other's see me. I couldn't care less if anyone sees the wreaths or me there.

I sure don't do it because the trip is fun. It shoots a day, and puts me way behind on things I should be doing.

All I can come up with is:
  1. It helps me feel like I am paying respect to their memories.
  2. It forces me to go home....which does have a lot of nice memories.
  3. It helps me keep their memory alive in my head. When my dad passed away I promised myself I would never forget his voice. Damn it, I ended up forgetting it. I think I'm afraid I will forget more about them if I don't go down there every now and then.
  4. Deep, deep, deep down inside, I feel guilty about not helping these three more as they died. Without going into details, each situation had a spot where I could have done a heck of a lot more for them...and I didn't. So, guilt may play a part too.

I don't want to be a downer around the holidays. Just in one of those moods right now.

Anyway, don't give this too much of your time. I think writing the post has helped me understand some of it.


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