Monday, September 29, 2008

If It Has 6 Legs and an Exoskeleton, It's Likely an Asshole

I have never claimed to be a big fan of the insect world. I would say I have a ever so slight tolerance for that part of the food chain. Up until recently, as long as they kept there thoracic asses outside my house, I would let them be. Unfortunately, that is now changed.

Yesterday, as I tried to scrape my back porch (preparing to repaint) I was freakin devoured by the smallest, most painful, most annoying little pest I have ever encountered. They were tiny little black bugs who traveled in swarms, and bit like they meant business. Oh, and did I mention their little bites itched like an SOB, and would swell up like poison freakin ivy?

Last night, as I sat applying calamine lotion to 2/3rds of my body, I decided a new insect policy was in order.

Here is my new Entomological Manifesto:
  1. All insects are to remain outside my house. Once the dwelling's plane is broken, they and any of their family are to be destroyed. (This rule hasn't changed from my previous manifesto)
  2. Any insect smaller than a full grown grasshopper should be stepped on, swatted, or fogged from existence
  3. Any insect that bites/stings/or in any other way inflicts pain upon me should be destroyed. That also goes for any other member of its genus and/or species.
  4. If the insect is a known carrier of any major or minor disease, it is to be eradicated.
  5. All ants are to be destroyed.
  6. Praying mantis' are permitted to exist as long as they promise not to grow to over 6" in length. Anything longer will not only make them a super-creature, but will freak me out if I come across one on a walk.
  7. Any paper wasp's nest is supposed to be pelted with rocks. They need to come to grips with this fact.
  8. Venus Flytraps should be bred for their skills in magic....and for their ability to devour insects.
  9. Any insect not covered by the above rules should be destroyed just for being smart ass know-it-alls
If you couldn't tell, I am really fed up with bugs.
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