Saturday, October 06, 2007

Vegetables Aren't Always Good For You

Caution: If you are offended by explicit descriptions of bathroom activities, please proceed to here.

Fridays are great. Typically, the office is pretty empty. Not a lot of calls or meetings, so I can usually get some work done. And, we usually have time to organize a lunch.

Yesterday was a typical Friday. As lunch approached, PMaroun and I gave J-Girl an opportunity to chose a place for lunch. She passed on deciding, so the decision transferred to PM. PM chose a nice stir fry place.

The place is pretty cool. You grab a big bowl, fill it with various vegetables and add a few sauces. Then you grab a little bowl and fill it with one or more of the semi-frozen meats. Finally, with a stick in the big bowl identifying you and your table, you leave your creation for the "chefs" to stir fry it and bring it to you.

As is usual, I chose a combination of spinach, green beans, water chestnuts, mushrooms, green onions, and bean sprouts for my veggies...then added a mild blend of various soy sauces....topping it off with a healthy dose of chicken. Yes, pretty boring.

My food was well prepared, with next to no odd ingredients from someone elses mix that was also on the grill at the time mine was prepared showing up in my bowl. (unlike PM's).

After lunch, we proceeded to the Starbucks next door and topped off our lunch with a round of Java Chip Fraps. Very nice.

Then, PM had to go to his office, and J-Girl and I left for a quick research stop at Barnes and Noble (looking for good SharePoint books).

As we left the Starbuck's parking lot, it hit me. My already well documented "gurgle"....the human two minute warning. Since we were at most 2 miles from Barnes and Noble, I figured I could make it. Little did I know I would first get behind someone who refused to go through a yellow or a late green light. Then, I was behind someone determined to see how close they could drive behind a large truck (likely sucking me into any accident). And finally, I so missed the timings of what seemed to be hundreds of lights that I hit every one red.

Let me tell you....during the drive, I wasn't suffering from irritable bowel, it was completely pissed off bowel.

Finally, I made it to the BN parking lot, only to find two speed bumps, each appearing to be 8"-10" high. As I crossed each I was jolted enough to begin wondering if I could finish the trip.

As I power-walked into the place I was getting very concerned that the walk all the way to the back of the store (where the restrooms are) would be too much for me. I got to the World History section and had to relieve some "pressure"....hoping to all that is good that only gas would be released.

Fortunately, in much the same fashion a nuclear plant on the verge of a meltdown releases radioactive steam as a preventative action, my release was successful. I reached the bathrooms, made sure my stall had the appropriate amount of TP, then unleashed my fury.

I really wished I would have noticed that the other stall was occupied. After about 5 seconds of pure hell for me, I heard my neighbor say "Hold S***! Damn". He then seemed to end his visit abruptly and got the heck out of there. Believe me, if I had a choice, I would have left too.

Lessons Learned
  1. No more "healthy" lunches for a while
  2. Java Chip Fraps are really, really good
  3. Never take 2 miles for granted
  4. Always check to see if the bathroom is occupied before you turn off your manners
  5. Barnes and Noble is a nice place
  6. Vietnamese Soy Sauce can be brutal
  7. Spinach takes time to be completely digested
  8. Sometimes, stopping at red lights should be viewed as more of a suggestion than a law.

At least the lunch was educational.

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