I Am A Dork (Duh)

Many of my fervent fans are eagerly awaiting stories from my recent trip to the Emerald City. I am in the process of organizing my thoughts, so as to convey the truly bizarre quality of the stories.

So, thought I would drop this little nugget out, while I work on the "A" material.

This morning I was catching up on some newspaper reading, checking out our small, local newspaper. Just as a point of reference, my town has 2,000 people. So, there is a lot of nice, small town stories.

One of the stories had to do with an upcoming Abraham Lincoln re-enactment. In my haste, I simply glanced over the story, and went right to a publicity pic. My first thought was, "Dang, pretty cold to have a guy play Mary Todd in the play." Then I noticed the guy was playing Stephen Douglas, not Mary Todd Lincoln.

I am such a dork.

I Must Confess

It is time for me to come clean. I can live with this burden no longer. I must be honest about my past....

Throughout the majority of my life (including current), I have been a complete dork.

There, I said it.

There are a few who read this blog that grew up with me. They can easily validate that I was as backward, shy, and nerdy as anyone they ever met.

I know my blog "persona" is one of cool, hip, witty, edgy, and happening....right???? Well, I am telling the world tonight that this is all a lie. I am no more cool or edgy than Captain Kangaroo or Mr. Green Jeans. OK, they were sort of cool. But I'm not.

Anyway, I am guessing some are thinking...."He is being modest. He could never be as dorky as he is describing. No way." Yes, way....and here is some proof to back me up:

1. I graduated from high school salutatorian, and from college Summa Cum Laude, not because I am overly smart, but because I spent most of my waking hours in the library reading. Why? BECAUSE I HAD NOTHING ELSE TO DO.
2. I did not have a date in college. Girls avoided me like the plague. LIKE THE PLAGUE. Four years of my so called prime unspent. do you think my impersonation of a dog throwing up scared them off?
3. In high school calculus, I sat behind one of the prettiest girls in school. I would blush and hold my head down when she would turn around to hand papers down our aisle.
4. Reflecting on college, I am most proud of the assembler program I wrote that worked the very first time I tested it. OUCH.
5. Once I was out on my own, I tried to reinvent myself by actually creating a social life. By the second party I attended I was being compared to Kermit The Frog. Not some cool or smart person....but a freaking puppet frog.
6. I actually liked Rick Springfield music more than Judas Priest. It hurts typing that in.
7. The only musical instrument I could ever play was spoons.
8. I spent so much time playing the original Mattel hand held football game in high school that I was unbeatable. I actually thought it was cool when someone would say, "How much do you play that game??"
9. I actually spent money buying a Fart Machine....last year.

Now, if examples 1-9 have not convinced you, this should do it. Below is my picture, lifted from my college ID.

Your honor, I rest my case......