Shorties

I have had a few interesting experiences lately. Individually, not enough for a post. However, together they provide yet another snapshot of my world....

Hey Fonz, Learn the Rules
Recently, in a restroom at work I strolled in to perform "little potty", aka #1. There was a gentleman facing the mirror, obviously enjoying the view of himself as he ran his hand over his hair and nodded. With the urinals about 9 feet behind him, he was taking very slow, small steps backward. I needed to go badly (big Mountain Dew from Quick-N-Easy) and did not want to use the shortie urinal, so I quick stepped him and beat him to the "adult" height urinal. Upon his spinning around, he gave me his version of "heyyyyyy" (insert best Fonzie imitation). Whatever, dork. Enjoy the shortie....and next time, fight the your narcissistic urges. Might help keep you from peeing on your shoe.


The Mating Habits of the Rare RB
We get the local newspaper delivered to our doorstep each morning. It is the ONLY newspaper we get (key fact). Each morning, as the young ones get up, I go downstairs, bring the paper in, remove the rubber band around it, place the rubber band on a kitchen counter, and check the morning weather forecast. So, if my math skills are still in tact, at the end of the week I should have 7 rubber bands on the counter. However, it is now appearing I need to separate the boy rbs from the girl rbs. For, over the last two weeks, I have found no fewer than 23 rubber bands on the counter and floor near the counter. As I sit here typing I see another one on the table near the computer. This is what the kitchen will soon look like:




"Bing" Means it's Done
On my floor at work there are two microwaves. Each appears to have been purchased around 1980. I love the semi-accurate dial to "program" in the cooking time. Anyway, in a fiscally motivated move, I have started taking my lunch in occasionally. As I stand in line for my turn to radiatively adhere my food to its Tupperware, I have noticed a very annoying lady. EVERY TIME she uses one of the microwaves, she does this. She places her food into the microwave, then finds someone to talk to. She talks, and talks, and talks.....then the microwave "bings". Of course, she completely ignores the bing, along with the growing line of people waiting to use the microwave and continues to chat. UGGHHH. I have two words for her .... Two Feet. She is only two freaking feet away from the microwave. Just turn 180 degrees, bend over, and remove the damn food! Next time I am next in line and she pulls this crap, guess whose food will be "accidentally" removed and dropped because it is "surprisingly hot".


Can't Be Frugal All The Time (aka, Fingernails Don't Lie)
We have one son who will be heading to college next year....and another 2 years later. Needless to say we are very sensitive to costs of groceries. My wife is much more frugal than I am. I still insist on buying name brands for a few grocery items. One of those items is toilet paper. I still insist on the multi-ply, mega-strong, ultra-soft, triple thick rolls of Charmin. Unfortunately, Mrs. WHW recently did the shopping, and came home with a large package of store brand, single ply tp. Hell, I can see through the squares if I hold them up. I expressed my displeasure, only to be greeted with the lecture about the recent Quicken reports (stupid Quicken). Anyway, we are now 4 rolls through the pack, and I have had 7 fingernail pokes/rips/light scratches. OMG! I would rather use eucalyptus leaves. Needless to say I now have my own secret stash.


Thanks for the Spray
If you follow me on Twitter, you may have noticed that I have been working out at a local health club. It's a very nice health club. I have been doing quite a bit (at least for me) of aerobic exercise (45 minutes on bike, 45 minutes on the treadmill). As a result, I have been getting very sweaty. That means I have been using the locker room....something I really don't like doing. My dislike goes way back to when I came in after a workout only to find a very hairy, very naked, very sweaty, very large guy sitting on the bench in front of my locker reading a newspaper. This evening I was probably one of only three people in the locker room. Unfortunately, as is usually the case, one of those people was using a locker next to mine. As this person was cleaning up, they decided to apply spray-on deodorant. The area then resembled a room that just had a roach bomb detonated. A huge cloud of Axe, Secret, Degree, Old Spice, or something became floating around the room. I can still smell the damn stuff on my bag, my nice Cubs hat, and my Colts Super Bowl tshirt. I think I need to take in some of my catfish stink bait in case I cross paths with this guy again.

I'm Back, Baby

Hello one and all. It's been a while, hasn't it? Life has kept me hopping lately. We have swim team practices, swim meets, basketball games, school "holiday" programs, Christmas shopping, and of course work. All have contributed to my absence. However, the itch the post is too great to fight....so here are some Christmas/winter/holiday/school sports thoughts...

1. Special call out to my long distance buddies. You RU. Hope things are going well. G, thanks for the remembering my cross-gender nickname. You're my bud. Mamachristy, you are still one of my fav blogs. I will be posting my randoms soon. Thanks for the tag. Caroldee, long time no chat. Nice to hear from you. Weimie, hope you have an awesome Christmas, too. Thanks.
2. Should a high school "Holiday" program really last for 2.5 hours. That was tough. I got elbowed twice for falling asleep. Not sure how Mrs. WHW stayed awake for it all.
3. Just got our local band order of Oranges and Grapefruits......mmmmmm.
4. I have now had my brown turd (aka brown Zune) for a month. I am liking it very much. First, I got it at buy.com when it was only $99. Yep, $99 for a 30 gig player. Very sweet. Next, Microsoft did a cool thing when they provide software updates for old Zunes (like this one) so they had the new software that newer Zunes come with. Next, being able to share songs between Zunes wirelessly is very cool. And finally, the online marketplace handles podcasts very well....and I like podcasts. Now, the player isn't perfect, but I am really liking the purchase.
5. Call out to PMaroun for getting me hooked on music by Cake and Johnny Socko. The Socko music is still making me laugh.
6. I love Christmas time. However, yesterday the season turned on me in a nasty way. As I stood in a long line at the local Aeropostal, I was tortured by that damn Wham! Christmas song. So help me, between that song, the Elton John song, and the endless playing of "Santa Baby", I am about to jump over to the Grinch's side. I almost grabbed the solid rod that was sticking through one of the ears of the person next to me and rammed it into my ears to rupture my eardrums....the WHW equiv of chewing a leg off to get out of a trap.
7. BTW: the Madonna version of Santa Baby is awful. I'll take Eartha Kitt's version over it any day.
8. Clementines have to be some of the handiest fruit on the planet. Small, easy to peel....how perfect.
9. Back to the Zune for a moment. Do you ever find yourself wondering..."Wonder what WHW is listening to"? Besides it being a cry for help....it is a valid question. Well, thanks to the wonder of technology, you now have a answer your question. My Zune page is here. Enjoy....and seek some help soon.
10. I went to buy more of my favorite Christmas treat today (mini candy canes). They were out!!!
11. Another call out to PMaroun for sharing some Rat Pack music. "Ain't That A Kick In The Head?" is an awesome song. Thanks, buddy.
12. I love Christmas shopping for the kids. Tonight I "tested" a cool remote control dinosaur that will say what you speak into the control. Wish these toys would have been around when I was a kid.
13. Had to ask the lady at a local store tonight if the sweater I was buying Mrs. WHW was navy blue. Stupid color blindness. I guess last year the blue sweater I bought was really black.
14. Took a bit of a fall the other day going down to our basement. Upon hearing my fall, Mrs. WHW yelled down two things to me....

• What was that noise? Did you drop a bowling ball down the stairs.
• When you get up, be sure to bring the broccoli and cheese up here.

Love is such a funny thing.

Rnd() - Returns a random number between 0 and 1. Used in conjunction with Randomize statement to initialize the random number generator.

Not much in the mood to put a lot of thought into a post...so I fall back on my old favorite; random thoughts...

1. I am really digging podcasts. My buddy Pete got me started on them. Now I am downloading podcasts of sports shows (PTI, ESPN The Big Show), several NPR podcasts, a couple music podcasts (Phil Keaggy, Irish & Celtic music), a couple PBS podcasts (no, I am not downloading Sesame Street...yet), my beloved Cubs' Cubcast, and several techie podcasts. These are all free...and make for some good listening while riding the exercise bike.
2. If you haven't seen it yet, at one of the recent NBA playoff games, a guy tried to imitate what those crazy mascots/cheerleaders do when they propel themselves off a trampoline and dunk the ball. He forgot that, to make it to the basket you must have both vertical movement AND horizontal. It took guts to try it.
3. My airhorn officially died this evening. I was unloading a blast as a person was letting their dog unload in my yard. Looks like a trip to Walmart tomorrow.
4. My laptop is now running the new version of Windows (Vista). Overall, thumbs up. A few pains (especially making the upgrade), but it is now running very well. The new version of Hearts is pretty cool.
5. And speaking of new software, I am also now running Office 2007. Although recent versions of Office have been small changes, this one is a huge jump. The user interface is completely redone, using ribbons instead of menus. It makes finding functionality much easier. Word 2007 now has a standard template for blog entries. It allows you to compose and post all from within it. Huge thumbs up for this new version of Office.
6. I am now reading a book by Guy Kawasaki. He is a very interesting person. If you have some time, check out his blog.
7. One of the cool links off of Guy's blog is the "Mom's Salary Wizard". Nice to see Mrs. WHW should be making $138,000 for all the hard work she puts in at home.
8. If anyone is interested in some hard-hitting news, check out this week's Weekly World News. Look for the newspaper who's cover story is the redneck vampire that is terrorizing a trailor court. Likely right next to the WSJ.
9. You just can't get good sweet tea in Central Illinois.
10. For those of you that like wrestling...professional wrestling, here is a funny link to the Nine Dumbest Moments In Pro-Wrestling. Not sure how they were able to reduce the list to nine.

Randomness - The Manifestation of Complexity

Cool title, isn't it? Thought it all up myself.

I have decided to post another in my series of random thoughts. These are thoughts, ideas, ramblings, and/or events that have recently paid a visit to me or my frontal lobe.

1. While I have no problem sharing my bathroom experiences with the public, there are things I have a hard time evening talking/writing about. As my buddy CL points out, one is....is....the period (not punctuation).
2. And speaking of inabilities to cope, is it weird that I can say "bra", but am unable to utter "brassiere"? I cannot make myself say that word.
3. I am really starting to like Blue Cheese dressing on my salad.
4. About half the snow here has melted, and I still can't find the snow shovel the kids hid right before our blizzard.
5. I have decided I need to shed a few pounds. Diet started Tuesday. First change....now ordering only non-fat cappuccinos at Starbucks.
6. No more Britney stories....please.
7. No more stories on Anna Nicole, her child, her boyfriends, or the judge ....please.
8. Favorite burger right now....Mushroom swiss (too bad #5 is nixing them)
9. I tend to watch the same DVD over and over...until I get completely sick of it. Then I move on. Right now I am watching Napolean Dynamite. Next up is High Anxiety.
10. Closing with a quick bathroom tale from the week. I'm at work. Walking into the bathroom. Turn the corner toward the urinals. There is a guy pulling away from the urinal. He turns around (away from the urinal) and still has his..."Oscar" out. He then proceeds to but said Oscar back into its house...while facing me. Every time I think I have seen it all, I am proven wrong.

Brain Dump 101 - aka Another Trip Up Random River

Sometimes I feel like the Micheal Keaton character Bill Blazejowski from the movie "Nightshift". To quote Bill, "I'm an idea man Chuck, I get ideas, sometimes I get so many ideas that I can't even fight them off!". However, replace "ideas" with "odd, random thoughts/observations". With that in mind, here we go.....

1. A calf with two faces was recently born in Virginia. One of the stories about the calf had this great quote, "Bob James, a professor in the dairy science department at Virginia Tech and Heldreth's former teacher, said such births are unusual." Really??? I never would have guessed. Must be why I'm not a professor in dairy science.
2. As repairs continue on our house, I begin to hark back to the one week of winter we had this year.
3. Ken Barnes, the American who tried to sail around the world alone, was recently rescued after his ship was smashed by a storm near Chile. He is to have survived days of floating around by eating pop tarts. Take that nutrition triangle.
4. Britney Spears has vowed to come back "better than ever". Nice to see someone set an easily attainable goal, isn't it?
5. From the pages of "Duh!" magazine, Ben Affleck recently admitted that he made bad film choices in order to be rich and famous.
6. Although I liked the Fight Club, I still say Brad Pitt's best performance was as Jeffrey Goines in 12 Monkees.
7. Anyone recommend a good C# book?
8. I think Rosie and The Donald make a lovely couple.
9. Rumors are circulating that the Police are going to reunite. Hard to believe it has been 30 years since Roxanne.
10. Will Larry Johnson run for more than 200 yards against my beloved Colts????
11. I ended up scraping wall paper off of a wall in the house recently. So help me, if I ever find out who put paper on top of paint that is on top of more paper, I will hit them upside their head with my jug of Dif.
12. I recently bought High Anxiety on DVD. Nurse Diesel, Brophy, Dr. Charles Montague, and Professor Lilloman (aka Ernest T Bass)
13. Speaking of Ernest T, remember his immortal line???? "How do you do Mrs. Whyyyyyly?"

Finally, I will leave you with a little more Bill Blaze wisdom...

"PROSTITUTION! But what does that mean really? Sometimes it helps to understand a word if you break it down, so let's do that now shall we? Pros..it doesn't mean anything, you can forget about that..Tit, I think we all know what that means, Tu, two tit and TION of course, from the Latin to shun..to say uh-uh no thank you anyway I don't want it, to push away...it doesn't even belong in this word really. "

Randomness Under the Christmas Tree

Just a few random thoughts as I shop online......

1. I really like Christmas music. However, do local stations really need to start playing it 7x24 before Thanksgiving. Santa Baby is really starting to get old.
2. And speaking of getting old, if I hear the George Michael Christmas song one more time, I am going to use candy canes to rupture my ear drums.
3. Nothing quite as cool as having a happy hour in a place that has a huge Christmas tree. Tinsel and Bud Lite really create the mood.
4. I love this story. There are a few other good Christmas stories on The Onion....but this one gave me a good chuckle.
5. I now have an incredible appreciation for all those years my mom bothered to spend time wrapping my underwear presents. She wanted to make sure I had presents to unwrap....even if they were Fruit Of The Loom.
6. We have a very good paperboy. I think I will give him $20 this year. He is really good at putting our paper inside the front porch.
7. S-Man is having a good basketball season so far. Although he is a sophomore, he is seeing a lot of varsity time.
8. I think I like the little candy canes better than the big ones.
9. A local dairy used to make the BEST eggnog. They got bought out....and they don't make it anymore. Anyone know of a good eggnog?????
10. I never liked Frosty. I was always a Rudolph and Little Drummer Boy man. Wonder why they don't show Little Drummer Boy any more.

....more to come in a few days. Lots on my mind as we approach Christmas. I have a particularly revealing post about myself coming up very soon......

Sup Kirby??? How's it going PMaroun?

Creativity is the ability to introduce order into the randomness of nature. - Eric Hoffer

Over the past few months I have been collecting little tidbits of stories, some from the near past, others from my distant childhood. None hold enough to be a complete post. But they are funny enough to warrant a mention. So, once again we stroll down randomness lane.....

• Growing up, one of my neighbors looked exactly like Mr. Hooper (of Sesame Street fame). One day, as we were cleaning my folks' yard, I asked my brother-in-law to go ask the neighbor if we could borrow his tiller. Of course, my brother-in-law had only heard me refer to the neighbor as Mr. Hooper. After a few minutes he came back and said that the neighbor was a jerk. When asked why, he said, "I kept calling, Hey Mr. Hooper, but he never turned around."
  

• The first movie that really spooked me was Jaws. When the head popped up I just about filled my pants. The next one was the original Halloween.

• I really love watching a movie in a theatre with someone who is a screen talker. I know it annoys most people...but I think it is hilarious.
  

• It seems I am having an ongoing battle with an elderly lady who works at a local Quiznos. She gets unnecessarily ticked when someone does anything to make the place "disorganized". For example, if someone picks up a bag of chips, then places it back on the shelves in the wrong place, she will make a bee line over, in a huff, and put it back where it belongs. So, I make it a point to: put at least three bags in the wrong places, move my chair at the table out of the symmetric two on each side configuration, and occasionally dump my pan into the trash as I leave....right in front of her, with a little wink. Yes, I am a huge a-hole.
  

• On my last trip I experienced something in an office's restroom I hadn't experienced before. As I walk in, two stalls are occupied. While I am standing, doing "my business", I hear one staller let loose an incredible fart. Both he and the guy in the next stall chuckle. Farter then says, "top that". To which, the other replies, "On its way" and then rips one that is even more "impressive". Both chuckle....and the battle continues. I know I have tossed this question out before....but does this type of thing ever happen in a women's restroom?
  

• My soccer team ended up 3-2 this season. Considering we played several teams made up of mostly 6th graders, and I had almost all 4th and 5th graders, I think it was a pretty good season. Most importantly, one little boy who had never scored a goal before got his first goal. Made me feel so good to see his reaction.
  

• Dora the Explorer is a pretty good show.
  

• However, I just can't take the Wiggles.
  

• It sure was fun talking WWF/WCW/WWE/ECW/.... wrestling with one of my bosses and a coworker as we drove to Parsippany. Oh, the memories of Dick the Bruiser, The Crusher, The Ox, The Valiant Brothers, Ted DiBiase, The 4 Horsemen, The Big Cat Ernie Ladd, Ric Flair, Andre The Giant, The Bushwhackers, George "The Animal" Steele, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, The Iron Sheik, Nicolai Volkov, The Rock and Roll Express......
  

• Hey, T Kirby. Still liking your underwater Pier-Cam.
  

• I am liking my memory-foam pillow.
  

• Still find myself connecting many of my real life events with episodes of Seinfeld. Pretty sad, isn't it?
  

• I'm not sure how I can let my kids go anywhere when all I hear about anymore is one horrific /despicable act against kids after another.
  

• I have seen a lot of people wearing Crocs while I have been in airports lately. Anyone out there own a pair? Are they really that comfortable?
  

• Kids still love the good old Cut-and-Bake cookies.
  

• Just bought a new notebook wireless mouse for my computer. A Microsoft Wireless Notebook Optical Mouse 4000. Has a simple USB stick receiver. Works very nicely.
  

• I still clearly remember the day one of my buddies bet me I couldn't hit a bird's nest way up in the top of a tree with a walnut. I was given 3 chances. On the second one I somehow nailed the bottom of the nest (a solid 70 feet in the air). Unfortunately, what was supposed to be an abandoned nest (it was the fall....don't all birds migrate?) was full of baby birds. All I saw were baby birds flying in five directions. I felt so bad afterwards I went home and sat in my room for the rest of the day.
  

• Are the arts of smashing pumpkins and soaping windows passé?

• I like Neil Cavuto.

• I am really liking Robert Scoble's blog and his Videoblog.